


Nothing Left of my Heart to Break

by JillMarie



Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: College AU, Coming Out, First Time, High School AU, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Illness, Romance, Supernatural Reverse Big Bang Challenge 2015, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-05
Updated: 2015-02-05
Packaged: 2018-03-10 15:06:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 25,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3294875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JillMarie/pseuds/JillMarie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When they are in high school, Jared is hired to tutor the very ill Jensen. Their feelings for each other get lost in the struggle of Jensen's illness. When they meet again in college,  Jared is out and Jensen is healthy but buried in insecurities. Jared brings out the best in Jensen.  Warning: mentions of suicide attempt and description of attempt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

Nothing left of my heart to break  

Written for the [2014 spn reverse bang challenge](http://spn-reversebang.livejournal.com)

Art by [uke-sama](http://uke-samamakesart.tumblr.com)  <\- her tumblr   **  see her [art on lj](http://uke-sama-sensei.livejournal.com/4957.html)

 

 

chapter 1

Jensen sat in his bed, eyes fixed on the monitor and thumbs flying over the controls. “Nice try, asshole,” he muttered into his headset as explosions covered the screen.

“Dude! Where did you come from? I thought for sure I had you this time,” the voice over the headset exclaimed.

“I am just that good,” Jensen countered. A knock on his door interrupted him mid-bragging. “Gotta go, Dell,” he said as he shut off monitor and tore off the headset. “Come in.”

“Jensen?” his mom asked as she opens the door. Somehow, Jensen resisted rolling his eyes – who else would be in his room? His mother opened the door wider and ushered in a boy Jensen didn't recognize. “Jensen, dear, this is Jared Padalecki. He's going to be your tutor.”

Jensen shifted in the bed. He nodded at the guy who was smiling in a hopeful friendly way. Jensen's mother walked around Jared and pulled out Jensen's desk chair for him. “Here, Jared. Why don't you sit and the two of you can take a look at Jensen's school work.”

“Thanks, Mrs. Ackles,” Jared said as he sat, doing his best not to stare at the hospital bed Jensen sat in.

“Can I get you boys a snack?” Jensen's mom asked as she walked towards the door.

“Yeah,” Jensen replied enthusiastically. “Sandwich, soda and chips okay with you Jared?”

“Uh,” the boy stammered looking between Jensen and his mom. “You don't have to go to any trouble --”

“It's no trouble, dear. I'll be right back.” She shut the door behind her as she left.

Jensen looked Jared over before pulling his laptop from his bedside table. “If we didn't ask for a snack she'd come back in twenty minutes anyway, just to check up on us. This way, she brings food,” he said with a shrug and typed a few things on the keyboard.

“Okay,” Jared agreed slowly, feeling like he was the one who needed to catch up.

“Here's the deal,” Jensen began, “I don't need a tutor. My teachers give me all the help and attention I need and my grades are fine.” He turned the screen to show Jared the school's web page with his most recent grades.

Jared's brows knit in confusion. “But Mrs. Brooks said you needed a tutor.”

Jensen waved him off. “Yeah, my mom signed me up. She thinks I need more contact with 'actual people'.” He finger quoted. “The friends I have online don't count. So, I'm doing this for my mom. If you're up for it, all you have to do is come by once a week or whatever and hang out for an hour. You can do your homework or surf porn on your phone, I don't care, just as long as my mom's happy.”

Jared slumped back in the chair thinking about the offer. National Honor Society had certain requirements he needed to meet. “Uh, I'm supposed to tutor you at least twice a week.”

Jensen tried not to look annoyed at Jared's response. “So come over twice a week, if you want.” He stopped himself from sounding too dismissive. He didn't want the guy to feel like he was doing something wrong. “Look, if you don't want to do it, don't. My mom will find someone else. I don't want you to feel like you're doing something against the rules.” Jared looked annoyed at that and Jensen shrugged. “Like I said, she wants me to have contact with 'real people',” he finger quoted again, “and my grades aren't that important.”

Before Jared could answer, Jensen's mom walked in with a tray holding sandwiches, freshly baked cookies and sodas. “I hope you like ham and cheese, Jared.”

“This is great, ma'am. Thank you,” Jared assured her as he took the plate and soda.

She smiled at him and then at her son. “Well, how's it going? Jensen's not too far behind, is he?”

Jensen smirked at her. “Mom, Jared and I are just getting to know each other. I'm sure he'll be very helpful.”

She looked at her son for a long moment, determining if he was being a smart-ass. Satisfied that he was sincere, she smiled. “Okay. I'll leave you two to get studying done.”

Jared was giving Jensen a confused look when Jensen's mother left the room.

Noticing Jared's expression, Jensen asked, “What?”

Jared took a bite of his sandwich and shook his head to brush off Jensen's question. But a minute later he said, “You don't remember me, do you.”

It sounded more like an accusation than a question to Jensen and he shrunk back, unsure how to answer. “Uh, no? But I'm guessing we've met.” He wouldn't meet Jared's eyes. Thinking his mom was right, he did need friends that weren't only online. “Was I a jerk to you or something? I'm sorry if I was.”

“No, no, of course not,” Jared assured him quickly. “I guess I just think it's weird.” He took a breath and blew it out. “We've gone to the same school and been in the same grade since middle school.”

“You went to Polk?” Jensen looked surprised.

“Yeah. You had Mr. Sweeney for homeroom and I had Dr. Wright and our schedules like never matched up,” Jared offered.

“So how'd you know who I was?”

Jared laughed. “Dude, you're like really popular.”

Jensen blinked in surprise. “No, I'm not, and I sure the hell wasn't in middle school.”

Jared shook his head at Jensen's denial. “Trust me Jensen, everyone knows who you are.”

“Yeah, because I'm the sick kid who doesn't go to school anymore,” Jensen grumbled.

“No,” Jared scoffed, “it's because you're – you were involved in everything.” Jared had felt relieved that he didn't say 'because you're ridiculously hot' until he saw Jensen expression fall. Too late he remembered that Jensen wasn't involved in anything anymore.

They ate in uncomfortable silence until Jensen pushed his tray aside and got up from his bed. He steadied himself with a hand on his bed and a few deep breaths, then he went to his closet and rummaged through a box. As Jared was about to ask if he wanted help, Jensen barked, “Ha! Yes!” and turned to face him. Clasped to his chest was a copy of their seventh grade year book. He grinned at Jared's open mouthed shock and paged to Jared's picture. “Wow. Holy growth spurt Batman.” He looked over at Jared to find a little of the same boy seated there. “Gotta say, puberty's been good to you.”

Jared blushed and wished there was a way to stop Jensen from scrutinizing him. “Yeah,” he coughed. “I grew six inches freshman year and another five or so by the end of last year.”

Jensen was grinning at him. “I do remember this kid. I just didn't know he grew more than a foot since I last saw him.” He put the book back in his closet and slowly walked back to his bed. “Remember how I asked you to get Alona Tal's sweater when it fell under the bleachers and then you had to keep hiding there until Sweeney left?”

Jared chuckled. “I thought you were making fun of me for being small enough to fit under there until I heard Mr. Sweeney yelling at you and your friends.”

“Why would I make fun of a guy doing me a favor? I tried to get it myself but I got stuck like Winnie the Pooh. It was totally embarrassing. I was so happy you showed up when you did.” He noticed that Jared was done eating and paused. Sure, he remembered the squirrelly Jared from seventh grade but the guy in his room had a life. “So, uh, you mentioned Mrs. Brooks. You're here with National Honor Society?” On Jared's nod he continued, “You don't have to do this. I mean, thanks and all for coming over, but I'm sure you have better things to do. Even if it's homework, that's gotta be better than this.”

“Don't you want me to tutor you?” Jared asked, confused because it seemed that Jensen was dismissing him.

“Jared, National Honor Society means you're in all those AP classes and you've probably got tons of homework. You shouldn't waste your time here.”

Jared squinted at him and then slumped back in his chair looking stubborn. “I need community service hours or I won't be in National Honor Society, so tutoring isn't wasting my time. Especially because you said I could do my homework here.” Before Jensen could argue, Jared added, “Besides, didn't you say you were doing this to make your mom happy?”

“Yeah --”

“Well then let's not disappoint her. Besides if I tutor you, you would be getting better than a B in history, and since we both have Hendricks for science it makes sense to work together.” He grinned when Jensen rolled his eyes at him. “All right. What days work for you? Mondays and Wednesdays are best for me.”

“You should join the debate team,” Jensen said drolly. “Let me check my social calendar....Oh, look, I'm completely free. What a shock. Guess I can pencil you in.”

His deadpan delivery made Jared grin even more. “Then I'll see you every Monday and Wednesday.”

 

That was how it started. Jared would go to Jensen's house twice a week and do anything but his homework, and Jensen expanded his walls to include Jared at least for the couple hours he was there.

They worked two days a week for two weeks, two hours at a time, and Jensen was surprised to enjoy Jared's visits. His mood picked up each time and even his mother noticed, but she knew better than to mention it to her son. Instead, she made sure to have a freshly baked batch of cookies ready whenever Jared would tutor.

 

øøøøøøøøøøøøøø

 

The first time Jared came over on a Saturday, Donna Ackles was concerned. “Jared, this is a surprise. Is everything all right? Is Jensen behind in something?”

“No, Mrs. Ackles, Jensen is doing fine. I just got the Avengers movie and he had mentioned he hadn't seen it, so I thought I'd bring it over and we could watch it today.”

Mrs. Ackles stepped aside letting Jared into the house, as she processed this information. “Well, you know where he is. Why don't you go on back to his room. You guys can watch it out here. His father and I are taking his sister shopping, so I'm sure Jensen will welcome the company.”

 

Jared knocked on Jensen's door and chuckled when he heard Jensen's grumpy, “Mom, I'm fine. Go shopping already,” from the other side.

He peeked in the door. “It's me, you idiot. I brought the Avengers.” He held up the DVD as if to prove it. “Ya wanna watch?”

Jensen's shocked expression was wiped away and replaced with a bright grin. “Yeah!” He pushed himself up and pulled on a hoodie. “Let's use the living room player. It's got surround sound.”

 

They had almost finished a pizza and were watching Ironman3 when Jensen's family returned. Mackenzie joined them on the couch and curled into Jensen's side. He turned, kissed the top of her head and wrapped his arm around her. “Hey, squirt, you didn't miss much. You want some pizza?”

“Nuh-uh. Mom's making chicken.” She moved to see Jared on Jensen's other side. “You wanna stay for dinner, Jared? Mom's fried chicken is the best.”

Jared turned to see her looking at him expectantly, but Jensen's eyes were glued to the screen as he said, “You should, Jared. It is seriously the best you'll ever have.”

Jared turned back to the movie. “How could I say no to that?”

Jensen took a deep breath and shifted so he could stand. Mackenzie quickly stood up to help him. “I better go tell Mom Jared's staying for dinner.”

Jared watched Jensen slowly walk from the room. Even that small amount of walking seemed to tire him. When he realized Mackenzie was watching him, with a curious expression, he turned back to the movie.

 

In the kitchen Donna and Alan Ackles were talking quietly when Jensen joined them. “Mom, can Jared stay for dinner?”

His parents exchanged looks. “We were just discussing what we were going to have for dinner,” his mom said instead of an answer.

Jensen's brows knit. “Kenzie said we were having fried chicken.”

“We were, until you had pizza today,” his dad replied pointedly.

Rebuked, Jensen grumbled, “One piece. I had one piece.”

“Jensen, you know you shouldn't eat --”

“Mom, really, I only had one piece. Jared had the rest.” His mother gave him a disapproving look. “Come on, it's not fair that no one gets your chicken just 'cause I had one slice of pizza!” he whined louder than he intended and immediately felt ashamed.

His parents exchange quick looks. “Okay,” his mom relented, “I'll make chicken.” She cupped his cheeks in her hands. “But you've got to remember how important your diet is. I need you to take care of yourself.”

“Yes, Mom.”

She brought his face down to hers and kissed him, making him blush. “Jared is welcome to stay for chicken, and you two can kick Mackenzie out of there if she's bothering you.”

“She's not.” He turned, making his way back to the couch.

“Remember when he and Mackenzie would bicker over everything?” Alan reminisced while he watched Jensen leave.

Donna nodded. “I'm sure they will again once Jensen's better.”

øøøøøøøøøøøøøø

 

The following Monday Jensen realized that Homecoming was a week away. “Guess I won't see you much next week.”

Jared's face twisted in confusion. “Why's that?”

“Won't you be doing all that school spirit crap?”

Jared shrugged. “Not really my thing. I mean I like school and all but I don't get into all of that.”

“Too cool for school?” Jensen teased.

“Yeah, that's me. Too cool,” Jared replied joking.

After a minute or two, Jensen asked, “Are you at least taking someone to the dance?”

Jared blushed and suddenly decided the cover of his text book was very interesting. “Ah, no.”

“What? Why not? Dude, don't even try to tell me you couldn't get a date. What happened? Did you wait too long to ask the girl and someone got to her first”

Jared shook his head. “No, I, uh, didn't ask anyone.”

Jensen studied Jared for a moment. “Look, I know you're kinda shy, but you should just ask the person you like to go with you. It's not the end of the world if they say 'no'.”

Jared met his eye. “I'm supposed to just go up to someone and say 'Do you want to go to the Homecoming with me?'”

“Yeah,” Jensen grinned, “just like that. Swept me off my feet.” Still smiling, he turned to his books. “Now, go ask someone you want to take and they'll say 'yes'.”

Jared groaned to himself. Jensen didn't get it, he didn't see that Jared was asking him to the dance. Jared knew Jensen couldn't go, but he had become the only person Jared wanted to be with. And he would feel so guilty taking someone else when he knew Jensen would be stuck at home? If the world was fair, Jensen would have been Homecoming King, not a guy too sick to leave his house.

Jared sat back for a moment in thought. “You know, you probably would have been Homecoming King if you were still in school.”

That surprised a laugh out of Jensen.

“I'm serious. You're popular and good looking. You would have been nominated at the very least.”

Grinning and blushing, Jensen shook his head at Jared's obvious attempt to cheer him up. “No, man, I don't think so.” Jared's brows raised in a silent 'why not?' So Jensen shrugged. “I don't know why you think I was popular, I never thought so. Sure, you may have a big ol' crush on me, but that doesn't mean anyone else would want me to be king. This ain't Glee, you know.”

Jared was too flustered by Jensen mentioning a crush to hear the rest of his statement. He blushed brightly and mumbled, “Yeah right, you wish,” making Jensen laugh. Jared brightened; Jensen had the best laugh and hearing it made the embarrassment worthwhile. “You know, you could still come to the pep assembly and game. You're still a student at Lincoln.”

Jensen shook his head and his smile faded. “No. People would stare at me and my friends...,” he paused, how could he explain that his friends would rather not remember him? “I'd be uncomfortable. I don't like being around so many people.”

“Oh. Well, that's okay. Our team sucks and we're going to lose anyway. It'd be a waste of time, I guess.”

Jensen appreciated what Jared was trying to do. “So you wanted me to be king of a bunch of losers. Thanks, Jared. I guess I know what you really think of me.”

“Shut up. You know that's not what I meant.” Jared could see the hint of a smile behind Jensen's words. He crumpled a sheet of paper and tossed it at Jensen.

“Ouch! Abuse! I'm telling my mom you're abusing me.” He began to yell 'Mom!' but was cut off by Jared rushing towards him and covering his mouth with his hand.

“Ohmygod, you're such a crybaby. You could be king of the crybabies.”

Jensen licked Jared's hand in retaliation.

“Ew! Gross! Dude!” Jared yanked his hand away and wiped it on Jensen's blanket while Jensen cackled. Jensen's smile was back, and that was all Jared cared about.  
  
Later, when he was walking home, Jared replayed the conversation in his head. What did Jensen mean 'this ain't _Glee_ '? Did he think Jared was gay? Was he admitting that he was gay to Jared? No, Jared decided, Jensen was just giving him shit like he always did. His secret was safe and the idea of Jensen being gay was ridiculous. Jared laughed at himself for even considering it. He was projecting his inner desires onto the situation. At least he thought that's what his brother, the psychology major, would call it.

øøøøøøøøøøøøøø

  
During one of their many study sessions, Jensen quizzed Jared for the academic decathlon and reassured him he was going to be fine. “Jared, you've got this. You'll kick ass.”

Jared's knee bounced with nerves as he flipped through his cards. “I don't know, Jen. When will you be back in school? I'd feel a lot better knowing I could rely on you to be there.”

Jensen stared at him, a knife had twisting in his gut. “Jared, I'm not going back to school.”

“What do you mean? Why wouldn't you come back?”

“I'm not sick, Jay, I'm dying. I've got six months, maybe a little more if I'm lucky. There's no way I'm going back to school.”

Jared stood, knocking over his chair. “What are you talking about? Dying? You're joking, right? I mean...since when? Why didn't you tell me?”

Jensen shrunk back. “I thought you knew. I didn't keep it from you on purpose.”

“What do you mean you're dying? What's wrong with you?”

Jensen's mom opened the door. “Is everything alright in here?” She looked concerned as she took in Jared's expression and his over-turned chair.

Jensen's “Yes” was overshadowed by Jared's spiteful “No. Not at all.” He grabbed his things and squeezed past Mrs. Ackles out the door.

Jensen stood to follow, but the sudden movement caused a head rush and he crumbled against his bed. He called, “Jared!” but it was too weak to be heard by the young man storming out of his house.

 

Jared felt betrayed. He had become friends with Jensen; if he was honest with himself he had developed feelings of more than just friendship, and the guy was dying? How was that fair? Fuming, he walked a couple blocks before his self pity subsided.

The thought of Jensen dying had him turning around and going back to the Ackles'.

 

An upset Mrs. Ackles answered the door, but upon seeing Jared her face softened. “Jared, I'm glad you came back.”

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “I didn't know. I thought he'd get better. What's wrong with him?”

“His heart. He has myocarditis, the membrane around his heart became infected last year, after he had mono and pneumonia.”

“What do the doctors say?”

“Jensen needs a transplant. He's on the waiting list, but he has a rare blood type so we wait.”

“Jensen said he was dying.”

“Well, Jensen doesn't have as much faith as I do.” She looked at her folded hands and her voice became quiet. “I hate the thought of another mother going through what I'm going through, but unless a healthy heart comes along...” she stopped herself and forced a weak smile. “Jensen will get the heart he needs. We just have to wait and have faith.”

Jared nodded. He could have faith. “Can I go back to see him? Or is he mad at me?”

“I think he'd like to see you Jared.”

 

Jared knocked on the door and waited for Jensen's grumpy reply, but it didn't come. Instead Jensen opened the door, looking quite relieved to find Jared on the other side. In unison they each said, “I'm sorry.” But Jared wrapped Jensen in a hug before he could step back.

“Dude, you should have told me.”

“I thought you knew,” Jensen replied into the soft sweatshirt material on Jared's shoulder, letting Jared support some of his weight. Slowly he stepped back from the hug and turned into his room. “I'm glad you came back. It would suck if you stayed mad at me.”

Jared watched Jensen make his way back to his bed. “I'm not mad at you. I was just upset that you think you're dying.” Jared moved his chair, dropped his backpack and sat.

“Jared, I am --” Jensen began wearily, but Jared cut him off.

“Whatever. Live or die, if I didn't come back, I wouldn't get dibs on your cool stuff like your 3DS or that ratty hoodie you wear.”

Jensen breathed a sigh of relief. Jared teasing him meant that things were back to normal and he wouldn't get the 'pity look' he got from so many other people. “My hoodie is not 'ratty', it's 'broken in'. And you'll be lucky to get a dirty sweat sock, you asshat.”

Jared scoffed. “Bitch please, like your stinky sock would even fit me. Besides, y'all love me so much, I'm sure I'll get your laptop and your PlayStation, too.”

Jensen chuckled. “Fine. You win. I bequeath everything to Jared Padalecki – World's Most Annoying Tutor!”

Gasping in mock indignation Jared retorted, “I believe you meant to say World's Most Awesome Tutor.”

“Yeah, sure,” Jensen nodded, unable to stop the fond smile on his face, “that's totally what I meant.”

“Thought so.”

When they were finally done that evening, Jensen said, “Jared, I'm sorry about before. I, I thought you knew.”

Jared waved him off. “It's okay, man.”

Jensen gave him a little half smile. “The good thing about all this is that I got to know you. If I wasn't sick, my family would have moved to Richardson with my dad. But my doctors are here, so my mom wanted to stay.”

“Yeah.” Jared tried to smile, but was too miserable to pull it off. A sick Jensen meant a dying Jensen. A healthy Jensen meant no Jensen.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

A few weeks later, Jared eagerly asked Mrs. Ackles for permission to take Jensen to his uncle's house that Friday. “There's a meteor shower Friday night and we need to study it for our science class,” he explained. She gave him an odd look, she had many questions she wanted to ask, but decided to allow it, if it was what Jensen wanted. Jared rewarded her with an excited smile and nearly skipped to Jensen's room where he suddenly became nervous.

“Hey, Jensen, I was thinking.”

“Don't hurt yourself.”

“You're a riot. Never mind, I'm not going to ask you now.” Jared petulantly pretended to ignore Jensen.

“Ask me what.”

Jared took out his study guide and began to read as if Jensen wasn't there.

“Cute, I'm not going to fall for that.”

Jared uncapped a highlighter with his teeth and marked a few sentences.

Jensen shrugged. “No skin off my nose. You'll just never have the answer and that will drive you crazy enough to ask again.”

Jared ignored Jensen's comments and went into 'professional tutor' mode. “Let's start with your math. How is the calculus coming along?”

Jensen groaned. He hated calculus it was too different from his other maths and he didn't understand it unless Jared explained it. “I didn't understand the second set of problems. Can you go over them again?”

A sly grin grew on Jared's face. “Only if you say 'yes' to my question.”

Jensen stared at him in disbelief. “Really? You're seriously going to stop helping me with calc if I don't say 'yes' to a question, one that you haven't even asked, yet?”

“Sounds about right.”

“Wow, aren't you a shitty tutor. I'm going to tell my mom to stop paying you.”

Jared didn't take the bait. “Have fun with that calc quiz Thursday.” He pulled out a novel he needed to read for English and went back to pretending to ignore Jensen.

His plan worked perfectly because Jensen succumbed nearly immediately. “Ask me what you want to ask me so I can say 'yes' already,” he whined.

“You wanna come with me to my uncle's house Friday night to watch the meteor shower from his back yard?” He was barely able to control the eagerness in his voice.

Jensen froze. He wanted to say yes, but he was sure his mom wouldn't let him go. But Jared was looking at him with excitement and hope and Jensen didn't want to make that disappear.

“Yeah, that would be cool, I guess, but my mom-”

“Your mom said you could when I asked her,” Jared chimed in.

“You asked my mom before you asked me!?”

“Well, yeah.” Jared shrugged a shoulder. “I didn't want to get my hopes up if she was going to say no.”

Jensen smiled to himself. 'Hopes up'? Had Jared been hoping to be with him outside of their tutoring time? Outside of Jensen's house? Now who's getting their hopes up, he thought. A warmth was spreading through him that Jensen recognized as his crush, but also as a happiness he hadn't felt in a long time. He hid his growing blush by tossing his notebook at Jared. “Well then I guess you better help me with my calculus so I pass the quiz so I'm not grounded and I can go watch a meteor shower Friday night.”

Jared grinned, “Dude, you're going to know this stuff so well, you'll ace the quiz no problem.”

øøøøøøøøøøøøøø

  


Jensen and his mother spent Wednesday with his doctors. Tests were run, blood was taken and smiles were faked. Jensen felt for the staff. It must be difficult to stay cheerful when you work with sick and dying kids all day.

His doctor's office was comfortable, with cozy overstuffed chairs and autographed pictures of athletes on the wall. Even though the man always had a pleasant demeanor, Jensen dreaded going to his office. It always meant bad news.

“The edema hasn't improved and your blood count isn't what I like to see. Your numbers could be better.” Doctor Singer gave Jensen an understanding smile. “Let's try changing your meds and see if that helps.”

“Okay doc.” Jensen replied with no enthusiasm. He was losing faith in his doctor's promises. He wasn't going to get better.

“I don't want to restrict you to bed rest, but is there any other activity you can cut out? Have you considered a wheelchair?”

Jensen looked stunned and turned to his mother. “No. No wheelchair.”

“Jensen if Doctor Singer thinks you need one...”

“No, Mom, please. No wheelchair.” He turned to plead with the doctor. “I barely go anywhere. I promise I won't walk more than I have to. I'm just at home anyway.”

“What about your plans for Friday night?” his mom reminded him.

“I won't go.”

Donna looked concerned. “Don't you have to do it for school?”

Jensen swallowed around the pang of disappointment her question gave him. Of course Friday was about a school project, Jared wouldn't spend time with him if it wasn't for school. “Jared can handle it. He doesn't need me there.”

“That's not the point. If he was expecting your help...”

“He's not, Mom. I'll probably just be in the way. It would be better if I didn't go.”

Donna sighed. “I don't know, Jensen, I got the feeling he was looking forward to having you there.”

Jensen rolled his eyes. His mom didn't know Jared well enough to know that the guy probably invited him to be nice. “Mom, no wheelchair. Not yet, okay?”

Donna looked from her son to Dr. Singer and took a breath, relenting. “Okay. Talk to Jared tonight and find out how much you'll have to do and we can decide after that.”

øøøøøøøøøøøøøø

  


That night, when Jared was packing his things to leave, Jensen interrupted him. “I don't think I can make it Friday.”

Jared stopped what he was doing and sat down. "Why not? Did something happen?"

"No. My mom's just worried I'll over exert myself."

Jared laughed. "You'll be laying on a double chaise and watching stars fall, playing your video games is more physically demanding than that."

"Really?" Jensen knew he sounded too hopeful, too relieved.

"Yeah, man. I'll pick you up in my mom's car and we'll drive out to Lawson. It's gonna be fine. I'll be here at 7:30, okay?" Jared looked at him encouragingly which was enough to give Jensen hope.

"Yeah, okay."

øøøøøøøøøøøøø

  


It was chilly Friday night, not quite cold yet, but it was enough for Mrs. Ackles to worry and make Jensen wear hat and gloves. "Mom," Jensen whined, "I look like the little kid from the Christmas Story."

Donna smoothed her hands down his arms. "Jensen, don't be silly. You can put your arms down,” his mother teased, pulling the hat over his eyes. "But you need to stay warm."

"Don't worry Mrs. Ackles," Jared assured her. "My uncle has a patio heater. We'll be warm enough."

  


The drive to his uncle's house in Lawson didn't take long. Jared filled every moment with nervous chit chat to distract from the fact they were alone together somewhere outside of Jensen's room.

Jared's uncle had a ranch-style house that sat high on a hill. The only tree was a large oak in the front yard. Nothing would obstruct their view of the night sky. As Jared parked the car, he turned to Jensen and said, "Wait right here. I'll be right back."

"Where are you going?” Jensen asked. But Jared had gotten out of the car, he held up one finger as if to say 'wait one second', and walked towards the garage. Jensen opened his door and got out of the car and made to follow when he saw Jared coming back towards him with a wheelchair.

"Jensen, what are you doing? I told you to wait right there."

"I don't need a fucking wheelchair, Jared!" he snapped.

Jared ignored the bitter tone of Jensen's voice. "I know. Relax. Your mom was worried about you over exerting yourself. With this, you can't overdo it. It belongs to my uncle. He had it when he broke his hip. If you let me push you to the backyard, I won't feel guilty about asking you to do this.”

“I don't need a wheelchair,” Jensen grumbled

“I know you don't, I do,” Jared assured him. “But do this for me and your mom. Let me push you, okay?

Reluctantly Jensen sat in the wheelchair and allowed Jared to push him around the house to the patio. “Take a seat on this chaise lounge right here,” Jared said tapping a large cushioned double chaise lounge next to where he parked the wheelchair. “I'll turn on the patio heaters so we're warm enough.”

Jensen sat and unfolded a blanket that was at the end of the lounge. He covered his legs with the blanket as he sat back and relaxed. A moment later Jared took the seat next to him and took another blanket and did the same. Then Jared leaned back and looked up at the sky. “We should see it pretty good from here.” After a moment he added, “Sometimes my uncle sets out his telescope, but he and my aunt are visiting my cousins this weekend, so they're not in town."

Jensen looked around and then at Jared. Where were the supplies they needed? “Didn't you bring a notebook or something” he asked.

Jared looked at him. "Notebook? Why would I need a notebook?"

"Didn't you say that this was for school project?"

Jared chuckled sheepishly and turned back to the night sky. "No. I said that to your mom so she would let you come.” Suddenly, he was extremely self-conscious. Would Jensen think he was trying to be alone with him? Would he be angry? Freak out? “Uh, sometimes astronomy club comes out here when something cool is happening.” Jared winced. Now he really sounded like a dork.

"Are they coming tonight?"

"No. Just you and me tonight." He winced again. Make the crush more obvious Jared, you idiot.

“Thanks,” Jensen mumbled, looking at the blanket instead of the sky. Jared was always doing things like that for him. He was giving up his Friday night with friends so the dying kid could see something. Jensen knew thanks wasn't enough; maybe he could tell his mom to pay Jared more.

“Whoa, did you see that?”

Jared's excited voice tore Jensen from his thoughts. “What? Where?”

“Jensen,” Jared chided him gently and moved closer to him. He put his arm around Jensen's shoulder, leaning closer and pointing at the sky. “Do you see Orion's belt?”

Jared was so close and it felt too good. Jensen needed to focus. “Yeah,” he croaked embarrassingly.

Jared rested his head against Jensen's. “Good. Now just wait.”

Jensen wanted so badly to turn his head, have his lips brush against Jared's, but he didn't dare. He couldn't lose the only real friend he had. Then, two small specks of light raced across the sky. “Whoa. That was so cool.” He leaned his head back, resting it on Jared's arm, trapping it behind him.

“Right? Wait, that's just the beginning.” Jared couldn't hide the joy in his voice. He had his arm around Jensen Ackles and they were watching shooting stars. He wished he was brave enough to do more or to say more, but he was happy settling for this. All the wishes on every the shooting stars he'd see that night were for Jensen to get the heart he needed.

Jensen wished to be brave enough to risk everything and tell Jared how he felt. He turned enough to steal another look at Jared and was consumed by sadness. He didn't have enough time to be in love with Jared. He took a shuddering breath and turned back to the sky, hoping Jared didn't notice.

“You okay?” Jared asked not hiding the concern he felt.

“Yeah, I'm fine,” Jensen said quietly as he looked around. "This is pretty cool..”

After ten minutes and one more meteor, Jared admitted, “This is not as exciting as I thought it would be.”

“I know what you mean,” Jensen agreed. “I thought shower meant, you know, like constant falling stars.”

“Right?!” A few more specks of light flew across the sky, then Jared asked, “You sure you're not bored to death?"

“I like looking at the stars. I can't believe we can see so many out here." Jensen shifted on the lounge and Jared withdrew his arm.

Leaning back and watching the sky, Jared agreed. "Yeah, I guess that's why the astronomy club comes out here.”

  


As he looked at the night sky filled with stars, Jensen was overcome with a feeling of insignificance and melancholy. It was the fist time he had ever done something like this and it would also be the last. Everything he did now seemed like it was the last time he would do it.

He thought about the last time he saw his friends, Ty, JoAnna, and Chris. Was that the last time he would ever see them?

  


He stole a look at the boy next to him. Jared deserved better, too. He shouldn't have to spend his weekend with the dying freak. Clearing his throat, he quietly suggested, “If you want to go, we can go home whenever you want.” He stopped himself from saying, 'You don't have to stay for me.'

Jared nudged him. “I'm willing to give this five more minutes. If we're not amazed in five minutes, we're hitting the DQ.”

Jensen nodded. “Sounds good to me.”

They sat silently for the next five minutes. The moment Jared moved to leave, the stars began to fall leaving both boys gaping in awe.

  


øøøøøøøøøøøøøø

  


The following week, Jensen sat in the kitchen eating the snack his mother prepared for him, when his sister came home from school. "Hey, Mack, how was school?"

"Boring as usual. I have a ton of homework." She collapsed into a chair across from him. "Is mom home?"

"Yeah. She's around here somewhere."

"Do you think she'll let me try out for pom-poms?" she gave Jensen a hopeful look. "I can't even try out without her signing a permission slip."

Jensen shrugged. "Probably. but why would you want to? Next year you'll be in Richardson and you'll need to try out again."

His sister made a face. “I suppose you're right, but I still want to try out.”

“Try out for what, hun?” their mom asked, setting a laundry basket by the door.

“Poms. I brought home a permission slip and even though Jensen says we'll be in school in Richardson next year, I still want to try out.”

Donna narrowed her eyes at Jensen. “Let me think it over, okay? Leave the slip on the table and I'll read it.”

Mackenzie grinned, pulled the slip from her folder, and skipped out of the room.

  


Later that night Jensen heard his mother talking to Mackenzie. “I'm sorry, Sweetie, but we just can't afford it right now.”

“Mom, it's not that much. I can pay for it myself with my birthday money,” his sister argued in return.

“Mackenzie, that's just how much it costs to try out. After you make it, there's uniform fees, competition fees, and a million other things we'll have to pay for,” Donna sighed. “I'm sorry, honey. Maybe next year. We simply can't do it now.”

“Mom --” his sister whined, but Jensen shut his door to block out the rest of their talk. It wasn't fair that his kid sister had to suffer because of his illness. She should be able to do whatever she wanted. He thought about what he could do to help her, and only one idea came to him.

He called Jared before he lost the nerve. When he got voice mail he said, “Hey Jared, it's uh, Jensen. Um, I'm only calling because I don't need a tutor anymore. Which means, I guess you don't need to come over anymore unless you want to.”

  


Jared listened to the message again. Jensen's _I don't need you anymore_ was clear. It made him feel queasy. Jensen must have figured him out, must have realized Jared had an undeniable crush and decided not to deal with dorky tutor anymore. Jared wanted to cry.  
Jensen become more than just some kid he tutored; more than just a friend. Knowing that Jensen wanted nothing to do with him, hurt.

øøøøøøøøøøøøøø

  


Jensen hadn't said a word since they left Doctor Singer's office. He could tell his mom was barely holding it together and a 'told you so' from him, wasn't what she needed to hear.

“They'll find a heart, Jensen. I know they will. You just have to hold on and have faith.” Her voice broke and she sucked in a breath.

“I know, mom,” he lied quietly, knowing a heart wouldn't be found in time.

In his head, he heard Doctor Singer's voice tell them, _“You're beginning to show signs of kidney failure and your system is not responding to the medication the way we hoped. If a heart for Jensen isn't found soon, we'll need to prepare for end of life care. There are hospices that will take in Jensen and make him comfortable.”_

Luck had run out. His months had finally turned into weeks and they would have to accept that. He could sense his mother fortifying herself, lying to herself that everything would be okay; but Jensen knew better.

  


Back at home, his mother helped him into his room and then pulled him into a hug. “You have to keep the faith, Jensen. They will find a heart and you are going to get better.” She kept her arms around him, unwilling to release him.

“I know, Mom,” Jensen whispered back. “You have enough faith for both of us.”

She kissed his cheek and smiled at him through her tears. “I'll make fried chicken for dinner. Why don't you get some rest and I'll send Mack to get you when it's ready.”

  


Once he was alone, Jensen's anger and frustration boiled inside him. He wanted to destroy something, anything, everything. His eyes settled on the MVP trophy he won in baseball freshman year. Snatching it from the shelf, he smashed the little gold man's head against the corner of his desk, snapping it clean off.

That wasn't as satisfying as he had hoped. In fact, the exertion made him weak. He threw the pieces in the trash and slumped to the floor to consider his options. He couldn't keep hurting his family. His parents were living apart because of him. Mackenzie wasn't allowed to do the things she wanted because of him. They would all be better off if he would just die already.

  


He went into his bathroom and broke an old razor and removed the blade. Jensen held the blade over his wrist as a million thoughts swarmed his brain. He should do it. He was ready. He had accepted his fate. This way, his death would be on his terms.

He thought about his mom. She'll be upset. She'll cry and Jensen hated causing her more pain, but hadn't she sacrificed enough? After everything she'd given up for him, couldn't he give her this way out?

He stripped and started the tub. 'At least there will be less of a mess this way', he thought to himself. He decided against writing a note. Everyone will know why he did it. Maybe he should apologize to his mom, tell her he wants her to be happy.

He stepped into the warm water, relaxing back into the tub. He took a moment to think of all the things he had wanted to do, all the things he had wanted to be, and started to cry. He didn't want to die, he wanted a chance to do those things. But those dreams would never happen. His heart had given up on him.

The small razor blade was slippery in his wet fingers, he nearly dropped it more than once. He knew not to cut across the wrist, but up the arm. Something about it being faster or more damaging. He pressed the tip of the blade into his wrist, watched the blood pool as the blade sunk in, and laughed bitterly as he realized he was depending on his sick, dying heart to pump out enough blood to kill him. He made a second cut, this one a bit larger, and the blood began to flow more quickly.

A moment later his mom pounded on the bathroom door. “Jensen! Hurry up. Get out here.”

The sudden noise startled him and the blade slipped from his fingers into the tub. “Mom, I'm in the tub!” He cringed. Those shouldn't be his last words to his mother. He fished around for the blade, not caring that the water stung his cuts or that the blade might slice his fingers.

“Get out, right this minute!” she hollered through the door.

Blood dripped into the water tinging it red as he located the blade with his other hand.

She waited a beat then said, “I'm coming in.”

Jensen squawked, “What?! Mom, no!”

Donna gasped as she took in the sight of blood and the blade in her son's hand. “Jensen, no!”

  



	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

In the university library, Jared stifled a groan when his phone flashed a text from his ex. He didn't even want to acknowledge it, but it would sit on his screen until he deleted it so he may as well see what the jerk wanted. I miss you. How many ways can I say I'm sorry?

Jared deleted it and went back to taking notes for his educational psychology class. But the more he tried to focus, the more the text from Steve bothered him. Jared wondered if Steve had apologized for cheating on him or for getting caught. He kicked himself for going out with yet another guy based solely on looks. He promised himself to look for more in the next guy he dated.

  


A laugh, in the quiet of the library, instantly drew Jared's attention. He stared at the couple walking by because the guy, the guy with a most incredible smile brightening his face, looked like Jensen Ackles. But that would be impossible. Jensen has been dead for almost two years, but that smile...

Jared watched the couple as they made their way across the lobby of the library. However crazy it seemed, however unrealistic, that guy had to be Jensen. Jared walked towards him before he was even aware of moving and he couldn't stop himself from calling out, “Jensen? Jensen Ackles?”

The couple turned and Jared was met with wide green eyes that slowly glowed with recognition. “Jared? Holy shit, Jared Padalecki?”

“Yeah,” Jared grinned and added, “Wow, it's good to see you, man. Come here,” and wrapped Jensen in a hug.

Pulling back, Jared failed to hide the shock and relief he felt. “Jensen, You go to school here? I can't --”

The girl with Jensen cleared her throat, saving both of them from the overwhelmingly uncomfortable moment. She smiled and thrust a hand at Jared. “Hi, I'm Danneel.”

It snapped both guys to the present and Jensen remembered his manners. “Right, sorry. Jared this is Danneel, Danneel this is Jared.”

After shaking hands with Jared, Danneel subtly slipped her hand into Jensen's and squeezed. “It's nice to meet you Jared. I'm sure Jensen would love to catch up, but we have to get to a lab.”

“Oh, yeah, of course. Another time. It's really great to see you, Jensen.” Jared hid a pang of jealousy behind a smile.

Still looking mostly like a deer in headlights Jensen replied, “Yeah, yeah, you too. Catch you around.” He tugged on Danneel's hand and led her to the exit. He turned to back through the door, and smiled when he found Jared watching them. As their eyes met, Jared's smile grew wider.

  


Once inside Jensen's dorm room, Danneel sat on his bed and waited patiently for Jensen to open up, but when he didn't after two minutes, she pounced. “Okay, you're obviously going to make me beg.” She clasped her hands together and pleaded, "Tell me about the hot guy in the library before I go completely insane.”

Jensen nervously tapped on his desk before finally sitting next to her. “That was Jared. He was my tutor in high school after I got sick,” he clarified.

Danneel grinned widely. “I bet you got perfect grades in that class.” She shoved at his shoulders. “Or did you find him so distracting that you purposely failed – just to get him over more often?”

Jensen blushed and moved across the room. “It wasn't like that.” He rubbed the back of his neck and said, “Yeah, I was the complete cliché and had a crush on my tutor. But Jared,” he paused, unsure how to explain himself. “Jared took pity on the sick kid and hung out sometimes, but... Don't get me wrong Jared was really great, incredibly nice, but he only hung out with me 'cause he was paid to. He didn't think of me that way. Or in any way.”

Danneel studied him, she saw the insecurity building in her best friend. “He looked really happy to see you. Maybe there's something there, now.”

Jensen shook his head. “Jared was always a nice guy. Don't read more into it.”

øøøøøøøøøøøøøø

  


Jared fidgeted while he waited for his roommate to get home. Nerves, excitement, euphoria or a strange blend of emotions made it impossible for Jared to sit still. He paced the room. Jensen Ackles. Jensen Ackles alive and well and going to his college. It was unbelievable.

  


_He remembered finally finding the courage to walk over to Jensen's house after being fired. Jared was tired of feeling sorry for himself. Jensen wouldn't want to see him. He must have figured out how Jared felt about him, but he wouldn't tell anyone, would he? If he could just talk to Jensen and maybe convince him not to tell anyone._

_A realtor sign was posted in the yard and it made Jared's stomach turn. He slowly walked up to the door to knock, but there was no answer. He peeked in a window and the house looked empty. It was a bitter stab to his gut. Feeling lost, he stood on the sidewalk in front of the Ackles' house for so long the elderly neighbor woman came to talk to him._

“ _You okay, dear?”_

_He shook his head. Without turning to look at her he asked, “The family that used to live here, when did they move?”_

_She thought for a moment. “A week ago Tuesday, I think. It was a week or so after the ambulance took the boy away.”_

_Jared turned to her in shock. “Ambulance? Is he okay?”_

_She patted his arm. “I don't know. I never saw him come home.”_

  


Jared jumped from his chair and attacked Chad the moment he entered their apartment. He took his backpack from him as he said, “Thank god you're home. I need your help. I need you to help me find someone.”

“Hi, Chad. How was your day, Chad? Welcome home, Chad. Can I get you a beer, Chad?” Chad moved around Jared and flopped on the couch. “Niceties, Jared, what happened to using our manners?”

Jared rolled his eyes at the fake admonishment. “Chad, we have never -- never mind. I need your help. If I get you a beer or two, will you help me?”

Chad laced his fingers behind his head and propped his feet on the coffee table as he leaned back. “Yes. A beer would be much appreciated. So would a minute to decompress from my day before you bombard me with your issues.”

Jared nodded. “Right. Be right back with the beer.”

  


Jared handed Chad a beer and took a seat on the couch while he waited for Chad to 'decompress from his day'. However, Jared's couldn't stop his knee from bouncing which was enough to drive Chad crazy. “All right. Enough with the hyper Jared act.” Chad sat up and put his bottle on the table. “Tell me this has nothing to do with Amell and I'll help you.”

“Steve?” Jared repeated as if he he didn't understand who Chad meant. “No. don't worry man, not Steve. I need you to help me find a guy named Jensen.”

Chad made a face as he considered Jared's request. “Jensen. New guy, huh? Okay, what do you want to know about Mr. Jensen.” He reached into his backpack and withdrew his laptop.

“His name is Jensen Ackles. He's a student here, but that's all I know. Can you find out where he's living? His class schedule, anything?”

“Whoa, Jare, creepy stalker is my gig. What's got you so interested in this Jensen guy?”

“We were in high school together. He was...a friend.”

Chad studied his room mate for a minute. There had to be more, but did he really want to know? He cracked his neck and focused his attention on his laptop. “Not much of a challenge, dude. Gimme a half hour and I'll let you know what I find.” He tapped a couple keys and then nodded at his beer bottle. “And another beer would be nice.”

øøøøøøøøøøøøøø

  


Jared double checked the door before he knocked. According to Chad's research, Jensen lived in the freshman dorm and didn't have a class now. Jensen would think Jared was a creeper, he was sure of that, but here he was. When the door opened however, it wasn't Jensen, but a small scrawny guy who looked a little frightened to see Jared. “Yes?” he asked half hidden behind the door.

“Hi, I was looking for Jensen Ackles. Is he here?”

The guy squinted. “Why do you want him?”

“I'm a friend of his from high school. Is this his room? Is he here?” Jared tried to sound friendly.

“He's not here right now.” The guy looked at his watch. “He should be back soon, say in five minutes or so."

"Okay, cool. Can I wait for him?" Jared asked smiling his most charming smile at the guy who must be Jensen's room mate.

"Sure. Common room's right over there." He went up on his toes and pointed over Jared's shoulder then shut the door.

Jared stepped back in surprise at the door being slammed in his face, but went to sit in the common room. He found a tattered copy of Catcher in the Rye and decided to kill time by rereading favorite passages.

Ten minutes later he was rewarded with the sight of a sweaty Jensen returning from his workout. The white, form-fitting, long sleeved Under Armor shirt and basketball shorts displayed Jensen's nicely toned physique. However, he paid no mind to Jared and headed to his room, giving Jared a chance to appreciate just how well he filled out from every angle. Healthy Jensen was definitely hot.

Hot but blind.

"Jensen!"

Jensen kept walking.

Both blind and deaf apparently.

"Jensen!" Jared repeated a little louder and following him. Gently, he grabbed Jensen by the shoulder making the guy jump in surprise.

Jensen pulled earphones out of his ears and said, “Holy shit, Jared, you scared the crap out of me.” He placed a hand on his chest as his breathing recovered. “What are you doing here?”

He barely managed not to laugh at Jensen's reaction. “I was hoping you'd be able to go get coffee or something so we could catch up.”

A small smile formed on Jensen's face. “Yeah, sure, that'd be great. Can you give me five minutes to grab a shower?”

Jared's smile grew even more. “Yeah, of course. I'll just be here reading.” He held up the novel.

“Still a nerd, huh?” Jensen teased, his smile becoming warmer.

“Shut up and go take your shower. You reek.”

“Hmm, also still a bully. Good to know.” He ducked away from the swat Jared aimed at his shoulder and hurried to his room. “Be back in five.”

  


Jensen reappeared fifteen minutes later, dressed baggy sweats and an oversized UTA hoodie making him look much smaller than he was. He stuffed his hands in the hoodie's pocket as he joined Jared in the common room. “Hey,” he said softly, rocking on the balls of his feet. “Ready to go? Or would you rather keep reading?”

Jared looked up from the book and shrugged, “Well Salinger is a favorite...” he grinned at the slightly annoyed look that earned him and tossed the book onto the table as he stood. “Let's go.”

Jensen paused when he saw the book. Sighing he scooped up the tattered paperback. “That's my roommate's; he's been looking for it. Tore our room apart. Come on.” He nodded towards his room.

“Yo, DJ!” Jensen hollered as he opened the door to his room. “Jared found your copy of Catcher out in the common room.”

Jensen's roommate hugged the copy to his chest. “Thanks, Jensen. I was going crazy looking for this.”

“Thank Jared. He's the one who found it. Jared, this is DJ. DJ this is Jared.”

DJ turned to Jared and gave him a bright friendly smile and offered his hand for Jared to shake. “Thanks, Jared.”

“No problem, man, glad I could help.” Jared couldn't help the smile spreading on his face as they shook hands. “You want to join us for coffee?”

DJ cut a look to Jensen and back. “Naw, thanks all the same, but I don't want to intrude on your reunion. But Jared?”

“Yeah?”

“Don't keep him up too late. He's a bear to wake in the morning.”

“Shut up. I'm a joy to live with.”

  


  


Once they left Jensen's dorm, they paused on the sidewalk. Jared was unsure what Jensen was able to do. He had just finished a workout but did that mean he wouldn't be able to walk too far? “So, where do you want to go?” Jared asked. “There's a coffee shop nearby if you'd like to get something with your coffee.”

Jensen shrugged. “I don't care. It's up to you. I'm good with a Dr. Pepper from the machine over there.”

Jared started toward the machine, digging in his pocket for change. “Cheap date, I like it.”

“Watch who you're calling cheap.” Jensen joked as he followed him.

After handing a Dr. Pepper to Jensen, Jared asked. “So what made you decide to attend UTA?”

“It's close to home. My mom wants me home as much as possible.”

"How is your mom? Bet she misses you something awful."

Jensen smiled affectionately at that question. "She's good. Loves the place in Richardson and hates me being away from home."

“What are you studying?” Jared gave himself a mental head slap for giving Jensen the third degree, but it seemed like he couldn't help it.

Jensen shrugged. “I haven't declared anything yet, but I'm looking into the physical therapy program. What about you? What are you studying?”

“Education. I'm thinking about being an English teacher like my mom.”

“You'd be a great teacher, Jared,” said Jensen giving him a fond look.

“Says the only student I ever had. Who also fired me, so I'm not putting much faith in that recommendation.”

Jensen's smile vanished. “I didn't fire you because you weren't a good teacher. I didn't want my mom wasting money. I didn't see the point. I was dying. My sister wanted to join some school thing and we couldn't afford it because of me. It wasn't fair that she had to suffer because of me."

He sat on a backless stone bench, hoping they would talk about anything but him.

“So you obviously got the transplant.” Jared sat next to him. “I wish I had known, I would have come to see you.”

Jensen didn't answer right away. He nervously chewed on his lip while he thought of a response. He didn't want to hurt Jared's feelings, but he didn't want to dig up that part of his life. “I guess I didn't think you'd care.” He shrugged. “You were my tutor, Jared.”

Wounded Jared muttered, “Sorry, I thought we were friends.”

Jensen looked away. “You were paid to hang out with me. A couple Saturdays aside, you didn't...” he stopped, quelling the memory how pathetic he was. “You never called after I told you I didn't need a tutor.”

“You told me you didn't want me around anymore.” Jared's voice had risen and he couldn't hide the bite to his words.

Jensen sighed and quietly answered, “No. I said I didn't need a tutor anymore and if you didn't want to come over, you didn't have to.” He blew out a breath. “It doesn't matter. It was a long time ago.”

Jared leaned back. He had played that message over in his head a thousand times, but Jensen was right. He had said he didn't need a tutor not that he didn't need Jared. After taking a moment to calm down he said, “I guess I failed that test.”

“It wasn't a test, Jared,” he replied exasperated. “I didn't want you wasting your time or my mom wasting her money. I wasn't getting better. I didn't need a tutor if I was never going back to school.” He was surprised at how hurt Jared seemed to be and couldn't understand why Jared would feel that way, but obviously it was his fault. “Look, I'm sorry. I wasn't exactly in a good place back then, ya know?”

Jared nodded. “Yeah, I know. I'm pretty much the biggest asshole in the world trying to guilt the dying kid. But, I really did think we were friends. When you and your family moved away, I thought you died. Your neighbor told me an ambulance took you away.”

Jensen flashed to that memory, of the blood, of his mom crying and pleading with him and his eyes darted to the scar on his wrist. “C-can we talk about something else? Why don't you tell me what you've been up to for the past four years. Bet you graduated top of the class.”

The sudden nervous change in Jensen made Jared pause and study him. Obviously the transplant or that time in his life was something he didn't want discuss. “No, I wasn't top of my class, but I did all right.”

Jared remembered how Jensen's 'death' affected him; how angry he had been for not taking the chance to tell Jensen how he felt. Right then, he promised himself to take the chance this time. He looked around before turning to smile at Jensen. “I'm really glad you're here, man.” He slapped his hand down on Jensen's knee and gave it a squeeze. “This means we can hang out, right?”

Although he kept his head bowed and didn't look at Jared, Jensen began to smile. “Yeah sure.” The ring of his cell made him jump and he dug it from his pocket. After seeing it was Danneel, he mumbled an apology to Jared and answered, “Hey, Dani, what's up?”

“Are you home? Can I come over?” Her voice trembling as she rushed out the words.

“What's wrong?” He shook his head at himself. It didn't matter what was wrong. She needed him. “Of course you can come over. DJ is there and I'll be right back. Okay?”

“Thanks Jensen.”

Jensen stuffed his phone in his pocket as he stood. “Sorry, Jared. I've got to get back. Something's wrong with Danneel. I've got --”

Jared stood, too. “Yeah, sure. Let's go back.”

  


  


Danneel rushed past DJ the moment he opened the door. “Hey, Danneel, Jensen's not here right now.”

“I know, but I need a place to --”

She didn't have a chance to finish before DJ was hugging her. “Hey, it's okay. I got ya.” He held her as they sat on his bed. “What happened?”

“I, I had to stay late to work on my art project and when I left, someone followed me.” She was calmer than she had been when she spoke to Jensen, but her nerves were still jumpy.

“Did you get a look at the person? Would you recognize them if you saw them again?”

Danneel shook her head. “Maybe it was nothing. Maybe it was someone going the same way as me.”

“Doesn't matter. If you don't feel safe, you don't feel safe. You know you're always welcome here.” He smoothed a hand down her back and she gave DJ a grateful but tired smile. “Sorry Jensen's not here. He's getting coffee with some guy named Jared.”

“Jared?! Jensen's getting coffee with Jared?”

DJ gave her a look, surprised by her interest. “That's what I just said.”

Unable to hide her enthusiasm she asked, “This Jared, did you see him? Is he tall and gorgeous?”

“Yeah he's tall. I guess he would be considered good looking.”

“OHMYGOD!” Danneel squealed. “That is the guy Jensen had a crush on in high school.”

“Whoa. Do you think it's a date? It didn't seem like a date, but I've never seen Jensen on a date.”

“Oh god I hope so. Jensen deserves,” she stopped and slapped a hand to her forehead. “Shit. I called him. He's coming back. If it was a date, I totally ruined it.”

DJ shook his head at her. "You mean too much to Jensen to let yourself think that. He'd be so hurt if something happened to you and you didn't call him."

“But if I ruined --”

The rest of what she was going to say was lost to Jensen rushing into the room and straight to her side and hugging her. “Danneel, are you okay? What happened?”

She allowed herself a moment of comfort in his arms, but her anxiety suddenly bubbled into tears and DJ answered for her. “She stayed late at art and someone followed her.”

“What?” Jared and Jensen asked in unison. “Did you see what they looked like?” Jared went on to ask.

Danneel shook her head. “M-maybe it was nothing. Maybe --”

“Did you contact campus security?” Jared asked, looking as concerned as Jensen and DJ.

She turned to Jared and shook her head. “No.” Turning back to Jensen she added, “I'm sorry. I didn't know you were busy. I should have asked.”

“Danneel,” Jensen said softly, resting his head on hers, knowing that she understood what he wasn't saying.

“Next time you're staying late, you should call one of us. We'll meet you and walk you back to your room,” DJ suggested.

Jared nodded. “There's actually a buddy service you can call that will come meet you. My friend Sophia uses them if she's staying late at the library. I can get the number if you want.”

They all turned to him, slightly surprised at his presence, like he was interrupting a private moment. Danneel wiped her eyes. “Yeah, that'd be great.”

Jensen squeezed her hand. “You know you can always call us.”

“I told her we'd all drop everything to come meet her,” DJ said making Danneel blush and smile again.

“Thanks, guys.”

Jensen kissed her forehead. “You wanna stay?”

Knowing how that must look to Jared, Danneel shook her head. “No. But I'll take you up on that escort back to my dorm.”

“Okay,” Jensen stood and offered her his hand before turning to Jared. “Come on, we'll all go.”

  


After walking Danneel to her door, Jared felt awkward. Jensen hadn't kissed her good-bye, but the two of them obviously had a very close relationship. He wanted to ask Jensen about it and he wanted to continue their conversation from earlier, but DJ was with them. Jared wasn't sure when he'd have another chance to see Jensen so he couldn't let this opportunity slip by without trying to see him again.

“So, uh, this Friday a friend of mine is having a house party, if you want to go.” Jared worried about how that sounded and added, “DJ, you and Danneel are invited, too.”

Jensen bit back his disappointment. “Thanks, but I have to work.”

“Oh.” Jared considered that for a moment. He wasn't actually being turned down. “Well, Saturday after the game, the Omega Mu's are --”

“I work Saturday, too.”

That came too fast, Jared thought. Obviously he doesn't want to hang out with me.

DJ stole a glance at both Jared and Jensen and said, “Jensen works every Friday and Saturday except the last weekend of the month.”

“Yep,” Jensen confirmed for no reason. “Every Wednesday 5 to 1 and every Friday and Saturday night eight to four.”

Jared balked. “Those are some shitty hours.”

“The pay's even worse,” DJ and Jensen said in unison as if it was an oft told inside joke.

“Where the hell do you work?”

“I'm a janitor.”

“You're an orderly at the health center. There's a difference,” DJ corrected him. “And it gets your foot in the door.”

Amused by DJ's reprimand, Jensen smiled and said, “Yes, dad.”

They were nearly back to the dorm when Jared asked, “Hey, I meant to ask you. Why are you living in the freshman dorm?”

Jensen gave him a look one would give a small child. “Because I'm a freshman, dude.”

“Hey, Jared,” DJ interrupted. “It was good to meet you. Thanks for finding my book.” Then he turned to Jensen. “I'm heading back. That way you two can continue to catch up.”

  


When they were back at the stone bench where they had been sitting before Danneel's phone call, they each took a seat and Jared waited for Jensen to speak.

Taking a deep breath, Jensen tried to explain his freshman status without the anger or bitterness he associated with it. “After I got my new heart, there were _complications_. Rehab and recovery took a while.” He paused trying to find the right words and hoping Jared wouldn't ask about the 'complications'. “I finally graduated high school last spring.”

“Oh. Is that how you know Danneel and DJ? You went to school together?” Jared hated the tiny jealous streak that was sparking his curiosity.

“No. We met in recovery.” Jensen bit his nail. No matter how much he liked Jared he wasn't going to be spilling any secrets to the guy.

“Wow, so you guys have been known each other quite a while. No wonder you're so tight.” Jared accepted the explanation offered and didn't force the issue even though he was dying to ask more questions. “It's pretty cool that you decided to go to school here. I mean I never thought I'd see you again and here you are at the same school.”

Jensen tried to fight the blush of happiness Jared's words created in him, but he felt the color rise in his cheeks just the same. “Thanks. It's pretty cool to run into you, too.”

Jared smirked. “Well, yeah, I've always been incredibly cool. Now, I'm the 'much cooler than you' upper class man, impressing your friends with my very existence.”

Jensen had to bite his lip to stop a snort of laughter. “It's good you're still so modest,” he snickered.

Jared found he still loved making Jensen laugh, so he slapped a hand on Jensen's knee again. “Yes. Modest, good looking, and intelligent. I'm quite the catch. You're lucky I'm deigning to spend time with you.”

“Believe me, I know I'm lucky.”

Jared pulled his phone from his pocket. “Not that stalking your dorm wasn't fun, but can I have your number so I don't have to hang out on the crappy common room couch if I want to see you?”

Jensen huffed a laugh and shoved back the strange feelings growing inside him. What was it? Hope? Happiness? Fear that Jared didn't mean what he was asking? He shook his head at himself and rattled off his number.

Jared entered it and instantly called him. “There. Now you have mine, too.” He watched as Jensen tapped in his name. “So--- You work your shitty job 'til one tomorrow, I guess that means I have to wait until Thursday to hear from you.”

Jensen gave him a one shoulder shrug. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Cool.” Jared punched him lightly on the shoulder. “If I don't hear from you, I'll go back to stalking your dorm room.”

“I'll warn DJ.”

“Funny. You're still a regular riot.” Jared stood up to leave. “Just call me, dude.”

“Yeah, yeah, I will,” Jensen replied, amazed at how easy it was to fall back into their friendship.

  



	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Jensen found that he didn't have to wait until Thursday to hear from Jared; apparently the guy was fond of texting.

When Jensen finished his first class, he saw he already had four messages from Jared.

jp:  _morning sunshine_

jp:  _you free for lunch today?_

jp:  _daytime lunch not lunch for the late shift_

jp:  _are you ignoring me? Or still sleeping?_

Jensen grinned and replied:  _both. just got out of intro to philosophy._

jp:  _lunch_?

ja:  _not free again until 4._

jp: :( your schedule sucks

ja:  _I know. I'm living it Got2go. I'm headed into bio._

 

øøøøøøøøøøøøøø

 

They had the same block of time open Tuesday afternoons so Jared joined Jensen and his friends as often as he could. After a couple weeks, Danneel noticed a difference in her best friend. “You're happy.”

“What?” They had been settling in for a night at work at the campus health center and Jensen was just complaining about being bored to tears. Why did she think he was happy?

She smiled at him. “Ever since you started hanging out with Jared, you've been happier than I've ever seen you.”

Jensen shrugged but felt himself smiling. “Yeah. I am happy. I hadn't even thought about it, but you're right.”

“What have you told him?” Danneel knew Jensen's secrets just like he knew hers. It would be a huge step to share those secrets with anyone out of their tight circle.

The smiled on his face dimmed. “Nothing. I'm keeping it light and superficial. I see no reason to burden everyone in my life with my problems.”

Danneel nodded in understanding. “Have you told him you're gay?”

“What?! No. Of course not. Why would I do that?” He shook his head. “No. He and I are friends and I want to keep it that way.”

“He seems like the kind of guy that wouldn't care,” she argued.

“Well, yeah, maybe,” Jensen relented. “But I'm not ready to tell him. I don't want to lose him if he's not okay with it. I mean it's not like I'm looking to date anyone, so I don't think it will be an issue.”

Danneel bumped his shoulder as they walked. “What if the right guy came along? You'd tell him then, wouldn't you?”

Jensen considered just how perfect Jared was and shrugged. “It would have to be one hell of a guy.”

 

øøøøøøøøøøøøøø

 

Sunday afternoon, Jared called Jensen, hoping he didn't wake the guy. “You're up and you actually sound awake!”

“Well, it is one-thirty. A guy has to do homework sometime,” Jensen replied.

“Homework?” Jensen doing homework would ruin all of Jared's plans. “How much do you have left to do?”

“Just some reading. Why? What's up?”

“I was wondering if you wanted to go to B dubs and watch the Cowboys.” Jared crossed his fingers and repeated “please please please” in his head.

 

Jensen looked at himself in the mirror. “Well, I need an excuse for a shower so why not. Wanna meet there in half an hour?”

 

øøøøøøøøøøøøøø

Jared got a table near the bar and the big screen and ordered two sodas and a Coors.

“What’s with the soda?” Chad asked as he took a seat at the table.

“I don’t know if Jensen drinks. I don’t wanna force a beer on him or make him drink if he doesn’t want to,” Jared explained.

“And that means you’re not going to drink, either?” Chad looked annoyed at the prospect.

Jared shrugged. “I’ll to wait until he gets here. I can make it a whole game without a beer.”

Chad shook his head in disgust. “You are not using my girlfriend’s position here to our full advantage if you refuse beer, Jared.”

Just then, Chad's girlfriend Sophia, who also happened to be their waitress, arrived at the table. “Hey guys, I won the pool last week so food is my treat. What can I get you?” Sophia asked, leaning down to kiss Chad’s cheek.

Chad smiled at her. “Hey beautiful, we’ll take the usual, but Jared’s having a friend join us.”

Sophia raised a brow at Jared. “A friend, hey? Is this friend the infamous Jensen we’ve heard so much about?”

Jared looked around. “Shh, yes. He should be here soon so I’d appreciate it if you’d help me keep Chad under control.”

Sophia snorted a laugh. “I will make no such promise.” She was about to leave when she noticed a guy who seemed lost. With a nod in his direction she asked, “Is that him?”

Jared turned and stood when he saw him. “Jensen! Over here.”

“Whoa. He’s cute,” Sophia whispered to Jared.

“Yeah he is,” Jared agreed under his breath. “Jensen, this is my roommate, Chad and his girlfriend, Sophia.”

Jensen smiled and gave them a little wave. “Hi. Nice to meet you both.”

“Nice to meet you, too,” Sophia said before adding, “I’ll be back with some wings.”

 

They spent the next three hours complaining about the officiating, the play calling, and the underwhelming performance of the Cowboys. Sophia came by every few minutes with more wings or drinks. Jared and Jensen both making the switch to beer as soon as the Cowboys scored their first touchdown.

 

At the end of the game, Sophia came back to the table and said, “Don’t look now, but the world’s biggest asshole is here.”

Jared groaned and looked around.

“Where?” Chad asked.

“Who are you talking about?” Jensen asked.

“At the bar, in the Emmitt Smith jersey,” Sophia whispered. “Jared’s ex.”

Jensen looked towards the bar and felt a moment’s confusion when he saw only guys. But the situation became shockingly clear when Jared asked, “Did he see me?”

“Oh, yeah. He asked who your new friend was,” Sophia replied with a nod in Jensen’s direction.

Chad rolled his eyes. “How much would we have to pay management to ban Amell from this place?”

Sophia snorted. “Don’t know but I’ll go find out.”

 

Meanwhile, Jensen’s brain swam with this new knowledge. Jared had dated a guy. Jared was gay – or at least bisexual and Jensen felt like the oxygen had been sucked from the room. Unsure how to handle this new information, Jensen took a sip from beer and decided he needed to talk Danneel.

Jared glanced at Steve and saw that his ex was approaching them and groaned. But at that same moment, Jensen excused himself for the bathroom and Jared was relieved his friend wouldn’t be there for the confrontation that was about to happen.

 

Jensen stood in the back hall of the restaurant, just past the men’s room, called Danneel. “Jensen? What’s up? Aren't you watching the game with Jared?”

“Yeah, I was, but something happened.”

Hearing the tension in his voice she asked, “Jensen? What's wrong?”

“It's Jared, he's gay.”

“And this is a bad thing?”

“Yes, it's a bad thing! How am I supposed to be friends with him knowing he's gay?”

“Jensen, just tell him the truth,” she suggested calmly.

“No. I can’t. You should see who his boyfriend is.”

“He has a boyfriend?” Danneel asked, knowing that was the real reason her friend sounded so stressed.

From her spot by the office door, Sophia had heard enough. Disgusted and disappointed in Jensen, she stormed back to their table. “Where’s Jared?” she asked still fuming as she took a seat.

Grateful her angry glare wasn’t directed at him, Chad nodded towards the bar. “He said he needed some shots after dealing with dickface.”

She watched Jared throw back a shot. “That guy has the worst luck.”

Before Chad could ask for an explanation, Jensen returned looking sheepish. “Hey, uh I have to go --”

“Good idea,” Sophia said barely controlling her anger.

Jensen nodded and pulled a twenty from his pocket. “Is twenty enough to cover my share?”

Sophia smirked and said, “It’ll do.”

Jensen looked from her to Chad. “It was nice meeting you.”

“Yeah, you too,” Chad replied, earning a sharp squeeze on his arm from his girlfriend.

Sophia sneered, “Bye, Jensen.”

Once he was out of earshot, Chad looked at his girlfriend. “What the hell was that about? Why’d you let him pay you twenty dollars? We wanted Jared to hook up with this guy.”

Sophia retrieved the twenty and slipped it in her pocket. “I overheard him on his phone call. And that guy is a homophobic asshole.”

Chad’s eyes bugged out in shock. “What? No way.”

Sophia nodded. “He said, and I quote, ‘how can I be friends with Jared if he’s gay?’”

“That fucker,” Chad growled. Sophia rested her hand on his arm in sympathy. “Poor Jared. He really liked that guy.”

“I know,” said Sophia with a sad look in Jared's direction.

 

"Have you seen Jensen?" Jared asked when he returned to the table, scanning the room for his friend.

"He left." Sofia replied, instantly getting Jared's attention.

"Left? When? Why?"

"Let him go Jare," Chad said. “The guy's a douche bag."

Jared glared at his friend -though at the moment he was rethinking that title. "Excuse me? What makes you –"

"Chad's right, Jared. The guy is bad news. You're better off without him."

It was one thing for Chad to say something, but for Sophia to agree was truly surprising. “Okay, you guys have to tell me what happened. What did Jensen do to make you hate him?"

"He's a homophobic asshole and you should stay away from him." Chad answered.

"Jensen? What makes you think he's homophobic?"

Sophia took a fortifying breath. She didn't want to hurt Jared, but he needed to know the truth. "He said some stuff, Jared. I heard him talking to one of his friends on the phone. He didn't know I was there."

“Stuff like what?”

“He told someone you were gay and that he didn't think he could be your friend." Chad said bluntly. "I'm sorry man. I know you liked the guy, but he's a douche bag and you're better off without him."

Shocked, Jared leaned back in his chair, he had a hard time believing Jensen was homophobic, but Sophia and Chad wouldn't lie to him about it. He finished his beer and downed a shot and let the alcohol fuel his decision. He was going to confront Jensen about this ridiculous attitude.

He pushed back from the table and was headed for the door when Chad grabbed his arm. "What are you doing, man?

"Going to Jensen's. I gotta talk to him about this."

“Dude, not a good idea. You're kinda drunk.”

Jared shook his head. “No, it's the perfect idea. I'm just drunk enough not to care what he thinks of me.”

øøøøøøøøøøøøøø

 

Jensen answered his door in fear that the pounding would bring the RA. “Jared? What are you doing here?”

“I had to see for myself why one of my friends turned into a homophobic asshole.” He pushed past Jensen and entered his room. Crossing his arms, he leaned against Jensen's desk. “Well, go on.”

Jensen's mind raced. This could be his way out. Let Jared think he was homophobic and then the guy wouldn’t break his heart. However, it also meant the end of seeing Jared. “I, I'm not--”

“My friend? Yeah, no shit, I'm not friends with assholes. Tell me why you think it's okay to hate on people because of who they love. What gives you the right--”

“Jared!” Jensen nearly shouted to stop Jared's tirade. “I'm not homophobic. I, I'm just ... I'm gay but I'm not really out yet. Or at all.” He met Jared's confused expression for a moment before looking down. “You're only the fourth person I've told.” His voice had quieted to a murmur.

Jared sobered up quickly and could relate to the fear he recognized in Jensen. He was quiet for a moment, then he mumbled, “Oh. Sorry.”

“Don't be sorry,” Jensen said without looking at him. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”

“I would have helped you, you know.”

Even though he wasn't sure what Jared meant, Jensen replied, “Yeah, I know.”

“I mean, I know coming out is scary. I would have been there for you.”

Jensen smirked. “Well you still can be since I'm not out, yet.” He sat on his bed nervously picking at his nails.

“Right.” Jared went to sit across from Jensen on D.J.'s bed. “So who else knows? You said four people.”

“Danneel, DJ, my therapist and you.”

Jared nodded. “When did you, you know, figure it out?”

“In high school,” Jensen answered. He took a deep breath, but the nervousness in his chest didn't relax. “I don't know if you remember, but in sophomore year I dated Joanna Kruppa for a little while.” Jared nodded though he couldn't picture the girl at all. “Well, she did nothing for me and she pretty much did something for every guy who saw her. Then, junior year, I met this guy who was perfect.” He smiled to himself ducking his head to hide the blush coloring his cheeks. “He was kind and funny and smart...and I knew what I wanted.”

Bewildered, Jared said, “If you knew since high school, why have you waited so long to come out?”

Jensen gaped, wide eyed in shock. “What about you? When did you figure it out? When did you come out?” he asked slightly indignant.

Jared shrugged. “I realized I was gay in high school and I came out my freshman year here,” he said nonchalantly.

“Well, since I'm only a freshman, maybe I'll come out this year, too!” Jensen snapped.

“You're not really a freshman...”

Jensen glared at him in disbelief. “When was I supposed to come out? In high school? I had no friends, Jared! The first time around I was sick and my only _friend_  was paid to be there. I'm supposed to tell that guy?! What if he doesn't come back? What if getting paid isn't enough?” His voice was desperate as if he was back in that moment. “And my second time in school – I was the freak who was nearly two years older than everyone. Was I supposed to share my biggest secret, my biggest fear, with those kids? Kids I didn't even know? I didn't want to make my sister even more embarrassed of me. It was still Texas, you know. Some poor kid from our school was beaten and left for dead because some people thought he was gay!”

He took a moment to calm down and sighed. Scrubbing a hand over his face, Jensen apologized. “Sorry,” he mumbled with an admonishing shake of his head. “I shouldn't have snapped like that. You didn't --”

Jared waved off the apology. “I totally deserved it. I pushed pretty hard. Sorry.”

They sat in silence for a while. Jensen's stomach stirring with acidic nerves and Jared studying the beautiful boy across from him. “Chad and Sophia heard you say you didn't want to be my friend.”

Jensen bowed his head. “Because you'd figure it out and I didn't think I was ready for that kind of rejection.”

“Rejection? What rejection?”

Jensen shook his head. If he dared to put words to his deepest fear, it would certainly come true and he would lose Jared anyway, so he didn’t even try to reply.

Slowly, Jared realized that he was jealous, jealous of anyone who had been with Jensen. “So are you seeing someone?”

“What?” Jensen asked on a surprised laugh. “No. I'm not out, remember?”

Jared nodded and started to smile. “We should go out. You should totally go out with me.”

Knowing Jared wasn’t trying to be cruel didn’t make Jensen hurt any less. He closed his eyes and forced away the pain that was threatening to surface. “No.”

“Why not?”

"I don't want a pity date."

"Pity date? Fuck you, man. I'm not a pity date. I don't need a pity date from you, thank you very much."

"You're not the pity date, you idiot, I am,” Jensen squinted at Jared. "You're drunk aren't you. You won't even remember this conversation tomorrow. Except the part where I'm a homophobic asshole and you hate me,  _that_ , you'll probably remember."

"I'm not that drunk, Jensen and you're not a pity date. Go out with me."

“I can't.”

“Why? What's wrong with me?” Jared demanded, the bit of alcohol still in his system fueling him on.

“Nothing,” Jensen assured him. “You're still perfect.” He blushed and looked away. “But I'm still a fucked up mess.”

“Jensen, you're not --”

“And you're out,” Jensen continued. “I'm not. You deserve to be with somebody brave enough to be out, too.”

“Jensen,” Jared said fondly. “I've been waiting four years to ask you out.” Jensen looked surprised. “Go out with me Friday night.”

“Can't,” Jensen replied. “Gotta work.” they said in unison.

“Thursday night,” Jared offered, hopeful. “Give me one reason you won't go out with me.”

 _We could get killed_ , was the first thought that went through Jensen's mind, followed by dozens of others. Jensen easily thought of things that could go wrong. He couldn't think of a single reason Jared would want to go out with him.

“Ha! See, you can't think of one. So, on Thursday --”

“The worst thing that could happen,” Jensen interrupted and cautiously met Jared's eye, “is that you would realize what a mistake you made and that I'm nowhere near good enough for you but because you're nice, you'd still want to be friends.” His eyes fell to the floor and his voice was a near whisper. “You have no idea what that would do to me.” He took a shaky breath and subconsciously rubbed a thumb over the scars on his wrist. Hiding his fear behind a fake smile, he said, “Good thing you'll forget about this by morning.”

“Not gonna happen,” Jared assured him, but it only earned him a sad smile from Jensen. “We're going out Thursday,” Jared announced, accepting no further debate. “We'll do dinner and a movie. Nothing too 'gay'. No dressing in drag and singing show tunes at Dick's Inn. Just a regular date.”

A small surprised laugh escaped Jensen. “Dick's Inn?”

“It's great you'll love it.”

Wondering why he was opening himself up to certain heartbreak Jensen relented. “Okay, fine, we'll go out Thursday,” Jared fist pumped 'Yes', “but I'm broke, so let's do something cheap. Like really cheap.”

Jared smiled, “Jensen, I did the asking so I'll do the paying. Don't worry about anything.”


	5. Chapter 5

chapter 5

Jensen spent Monday wondering what Jared remembered of their conversation the night before. When he didn’t hear from Jared, he assumed the worst. On Tuesday, Jared sent him a text telling him he wouldn’t be able to meet Jensen and the others for their usual study session.

There was no mention of the date, which led Jensen to believe Jared had forgotten about it, but at least they were probably still friends.

Wednesday was another day of unusual radio silence and Jensen worried that maybe he and Jared weren’t even friends anymore. On his break that night, he considered calling Jared when he saw a text waiting for him. JP: _see you at 7 thrsdy_

  


On Thursday night, Jensen changed his clothes a couple of times, from the only dress shirt he had brought to school to a henley to a t-shirt and his hoodie, because who was he kidding? This wasn’t a real date. Jared dated guys who looked liked they lived in a gym. There was no way Jared actually wanted to date him; Jensen had seen Jared’s ex after all. However, a small part of Jensen hoped Jared could see him as more than a friend.

When Jared finally knocked on Jensen’s door, ten minutes late Thursday, Jensen was wallowing in nerves.

“Uh, hey,” Jared said, giving Jensen a little wave when he opened the door. “So, uh, sorry I’m late. I, um, can I come in? Is DJ around?”

Jensen backed up to let him in and said, “No, he’s working tonight.”

Jared looked around and wiped his sweaty palms on his thighs as he sat on DJ’s bed. “So, uh, is that what you’re wearing? Aren’t you going to be hot?”

Jensen looked down at his hoodie and shrugged. “I don’t know. What are we doing?”

Jared bounced his leg. “I don’t know. I thought maybe… do you even want to do this?”

Jensen backed away blinking at the question. “D-do you?”

“Yeah, but I mean, we don’t have to. I think I kinda forced you on this date. Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you want to date me. And if we go on this date, I’m kinda outing you and if you don’t want to be ‘out’ yet, well then, there goes that plan.” Jared dragged a nervous hand through his hair. “I guess just because we’ve been friends forever and I really like you, doesn’t mean you feel the same. I mean we could always just hang out as friends tonight. I shouldn’t have forced you to agree to this date if you’re not ready to date someone. Not that you would even choose to date me if you were ready...” The words finally stopped gushing from Jared’s mouth and he took a breath before looking up at Jensen. “Sorry, I babble when I’m nervous.”

Jensen stared at him, dazed the flood of words,. “Nervous. Why would you be nervous?”

Jared bit his lip and rubbed his hands on his thighs again. “I told you,” he said uncharacteristically quietly. “We’ve been friends for a long time. I don’t want to screw it up.”

Slowly, it dawned on Jensen that this was the ‘don’t fuck up the friendship’ speech.

Jensen moved to sit next to Jared on DJ’s bed. “You don’t have to be nervous, Jared.” He gently put his hand on Jared’s arm to quiet the guy’s fidgeting and Jared took a deep breath. “Remember, I’m the loser who hasn’t dated anyone since the tenth grade and you’re the cool upper class man who dates guys like Steve Amell. Don’t worry, we’re good.” He patted Jared’s arm and then pushed himself up to cross over to his desk. Dragging a hand over his head he mumbled, “I’ve got some studying I should probably do, anyway.”

Jared crossed the room and turned Jensen to face him. “No. I don’t want to date guys like Steve. I want to date guys like you. A smart, caring, nice, fucking gorgeous guy. I just,” he paused and blew out a breath. “I just I want you to actually _want_ to go out with me.”

A blush warmed Jensen and he had to bow his head to hide the smile he felt trying to form. Jared _wanted_ to go out with him. He risked looking up at Jared. “I said ‘yes’, didn’t I? Doesn’t that mean I want to go out with you?” Jared looked about to argue, so Jensen continued. “I mean you are kinda hot and you even promised to pay. I’d be stupid not to take you up on it.”

Jared began to grin. “You think I’m hot,” he teased, but there was an obvious sense of relief on his face.

“Well, I’m not going to let my first date be with some fugly guy. Besides, you just said you think I’m gorgeous so shut up.”

Jared’s smile grew affectionate. “Yes, I did. You are gorgeous. So change out of that hoodie and let’s go get something to eat.”

  


øøøøøøøøøøøøøø

  


Jensen didn't know what made him more nervous, being on this date with Jared or people knowing he was on a date with Jared. They didn't hold hands, Jared never put his arm around him, they didn't make out like love sick teenagers, but Jensen felt like people were watching them. He tried to relax, but his body was thrumming with adrenaline.

What he couldn't understand was how a simple smile from Jared or Jared's soft touch on his arm would calm him and give him a whole new rush of nerves.

By the end of the date, Jensen was dying to touch Jared, aching to kiss him and feel his body pressed against his own. But that gave Jensen yet another new concern. He hadn't kissed anyone since JoAnna in the tenth grade. And Jared, well, obviously Jared had much more experience than him. Jensen was sure he'd disappoint him.

They were back at the door to his dorm far too early and Jensen clearly wasn't ready for what to do next. He didn't know what kept his hand from shaking, but he unlocked his door and rubbed the back of his neck as he turned to Jared. “So, uh, this was uh...” He stopped when Jared touched his shoulder. He looked up to see Jared with a slight smirk on his lips and a predatory glint in his eye. He seemed to be enjoying Jensen's nervousness.

“I'm glad you had a good time.” Jared's voice was low as he moved imperceptibly closer and let his fingers slide from Jensen's shoulder to his wrist.

Jensen opened his mouth to reply, but his eyes were on Jared's lips. Acting on it's own, Jensen's hand framed Jared's face and then their lips touched. The kiss wasn't gentle. They were both too starved for it. When Jared pressed his body against Jensen's, the world slipped away and all either of them knew was the feel of the other.

When Jared's thigh wedged between Jensen's legs, he moaned quietly, needing more than just the innocent pressure. And Jensen didn't know exactly what he wanted, except he wanted more of Jared. He wanted him over him, under him anyway way he could get him. And if it didn't happen soon, he would die. There was no space between them and no room between them and the door, but he had to get the door open and Jared inside and –

“Get a room, homos,” a voice behind them slurred.

Jensen tensed and Jared pulled back to see Jensen's panicked eyes. “We should-- I mean we could,” Jensen stammered before Jared cut him off.

“Just a drunk freshman, but yeah, I should get going. I'll call you, okay?”Jared said, smiling like nothing had happened.

Jensen's head spun in confusion and he sighed, “Yeah. Okay.”

  


Jensen paced his dorm wondering if he had done something wrong. DJ wasn't going to be around for a few more hours so he couldn't ask for his thoughts. He didn't want to talk to Danneel about the awkwardness at the end. He had promised to tell her about the date when they met in the morning before class. He was too depressed to talk about it with her now.

He changed out of his clothes and got ready for bed knowing sleep would be a long time coming. Because even more than most nights Jared would be consuming his thoughts.

His ringing phone interrupted his routine.

“Jared?” he asked seeing the name that flashed on the screen.

“I told you I'd call.”

Jensen could hear the hint of amusement in Jared's voice. “I didn't think you meant tonight.”

Jared sighed. “Well, it's not like I'm going to be able to sleep. I can't stop thinking about you.”

“I was thinking about you, too.”

“Yeah?” Jared's voice had become lower and playful. “What were you thinking, Jensen?”

The implication in Jared's tone made Jensen suck in a breath. “I didn't want you to leave before. I was hoping we could hang out in my room for a while.” He could hear Jared moving around on the other end. “What are you doing?”

“Getting comfortable. Hold on,” Jared answered then made more rustling noises. “There. Now I'm sorry Jensen I don't think I could have hung out in your room tonight.”

“Oh.”

Jared could almost see Jensen's downcast look. “Yeah. I mean after that kiss, you made me want a lot more than just hanging out.”

“Oh,” Jensen sounded relieved. “Well I wanted more than hanging out, too.”

Jared closed his eyes and pictured them making out in Jensen's dorm room. “Jensen, you're killing me. You have no idea what you do to me. What I want to do to you.”

Jensen cleared his throat. “Wh-what do you want to do?”

Jared groaned and Jensen felt his heart rate jump. “Fuck Jensen, what I really want is to watch you come apart. I want to just push you over that edge and make you lose it, make you moan my name as you come.”

He heard Jensen's sharp intake of breath and then he continued. “Your mouth drives me crazy. And fuck, the way you kissed me had me getting hard. Had me wanting you to feel how hard just your kiss could get me. I wanted to get my hand on you. Make you hard, make you crazy. Make you wanna come for me.”

“Jesus, Jared,” Jensen breathed out. His hand drifted down to press on his hardening cock.

Jared was quiet for a moment, just listening to Jensen breathe. Then he asked, “Are you touching yourself, yet? Are you wishing It was my hand?”

Jensen breathed out a quiet, tremulous “Yes.”

“Fuck, Jensen,” Jared groaned again. “I wish it was my hand was touching you right now. I'd tease you and make you squirm and make you beg for more. Make you beg for me to let you come.” He heard Jensen's breath hitch. “I'd only stroke you a couple times before I'd need a taste. I'd have to lick that gorgeous cock of yours. I'd start at your balls and lick my way to the crown. Let my tongue tease it's way around it before tasting the slit and swallowing you down.”

Jensen moaned. His hand was squeezing the base of his cock hoping to stave off the orgasm Jared was talking him to.

Jared grinned. He found Jensen's moan intoxicating. “Come on, Jensen, I'd make you feel so good.” Jared stroked himself a little harder as he tried to talk Jensen off. “I would let you fuck my face and I would just keep swallowing your perfect cock until the way the fingers you'd have pulling my hair tugged hard enough that I'd know you were going to come. Then I'd let you cover me with it. My mouth, my face, my chest, everywhere.” A deliciously guttural groan escaped Jensen and Jared knew he had just made the guy come.

After a moment of panting, Jensen's voice was still quavering. “Jared, I, did you...Fuck Jared, I never did something like that – like this before. I wish you were here. I wanna make you come. I wanna watch you.”

Jensen's breathy confession sent Jared over the edge. He came with a groan of “Jensen,”

They were silent for a moment, allowing each of them to recover a bit.

Jensen broke the silence with a question. “So, phone sex on the first date – does that make me a slut?”

“No,” Jared laughed. “But of course this isn't our first date.”

“It's not?”

“Of course not. This is our third or fourth at least,” Jared replied with an air of certainty.

“What?”

“Our first date was that movie at your house when you had me stay for dinner. Then there was the meteor shower, then I took you out for a Dr. Pepper and last Sunday I asked you out to watch the game. So, what does that make this, our fifth date?”

“What? You, you can't call buying me a soda a date,” Jensen argued.

Jared's grin could be heard over the phone. “So you agree the others were dates. Good. That makes this our fourth date. I think a little action is common on the fourth date. Sure, usually the people dating are in the same room, but now I'm really looking forward to our next date.”

Jensen swallowed. Jared always made everything better and more maddening. “Our next date?”

“Yeah. I'm thinking maybe a quiet evening at home watching some movies and making out on the couch.”

Jensen smiled, relaxed. “I could do that.”

Jared smiled even wider. “Good. I'll see you Sunday.”

  


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When Jensen arrived at Jared's apartment Sunday afternoon, Jared offered to give him the grand tour of the place. So Jensen toed off his shoes and followed Jared. “Alright,” Jared began with a clap of his hands stepping out of the small doorway. “Here we have the living room. All the amenities, x-box, wii, tv, couch. To our left is the kitchen in which you will find beer and snacks and a freezer full of frozen pizza. And finally,” he made a grand sweeping gesture, “down this hall is the bathroom on the left, then Chad's room and on the right is my room.”

Jensen looked around and nodded. Cocking his head toward Chad's closed door he asked, “Is Chad here today?”

“No. He and Sophia are visiting her family this weekend. I don't expect him back until tomorrow.” Jared nodded to the closed door. “His room is a bio-hazard so I keep the door closed.”

When he turned back, he found Jensen was much closer than he had been. There was a small smile on Jensen's face as his eyes fell to Jared's lips. Jared opened his mouth to speak, but his words were replaced by Jensen's gentle kiss. Loving that Jensen had taken the lead, Jared deepened the kiss, teasing Jensen's tongue with his own and pulling Jensen closer.

Jensen slid his hands under Jared's t-shirt and up his back. His mouth left Jared's to drag along his jaw and kiss his neck. Jared tilted his head and his breath stuttered as Jensen whispered between kisses, “Those things you said on the phone, I want that, all of that. I want you so much, Jared.” His fingers gathered the fabric of Jared's shirt and Jensen leaned just far enough away to tug it over Jared's head.

He drank in Jared's sculpted torso. “Fuck, Jared,” Jensen whisper growled in admiration before soundly kissing him again. This time his hands smoothed over Jared's back to grip his ass and tug him closer, grinding against him.

 _I've created a monster,_ Jared thought, _a fucking sexy monste_ r. “God, Jensen,” he moaned as Jensen sucked on his collar bone. Jared turned them so they could make the short walk to his bedroom.

Jensen shut the door behind them and walked Jared backwards to the bed, practically forcing him to lie back when his legs hit it.

Jared propped himself up on his elbows and smirked at Jensen. However, Jensen's focus was not on Jared's face but on his body. He soaked up every dip and curve of muscle from Jared's shoulders to the cut of his hips. His knees rested on edge of the bed, between Jared's legs. He lowered himself onto his hands on either side of Jared, supporting his weight as he leaned over him to kiss and taste every inch of Jared he wanted. When he could no longer bend enough, he pushed back on his knees letting his hands gripped Jared's hips.

“Jared,” he panted, “can I?”

Jared nodded. “Yes whatever you want.” He didn't know what needed his permission, but Jensen was nimbly undoing Jared’s jeans and tugging them down his hips a moment later.

Jensen didn't notice the way Jared blushed at being naked in front of a fully clothed Jensen, he was too focused on Jared's cock. Jensen had never done anything like this. Other than his own and porn, Jared's dick was the first one that Jensen had ever seen. Let alone touched or tasted. He wet his lip and let his fingers lightly trace Jared’s length.

Jared sucked in a breath at the contact, and Jensen smoothed his fingers back to the tip. He let his fingertips brush slowly down to Jared's balls and then back up, learning the feel of it. Gently wrapping his hand around Jared's cock he stroked it to the base earning a groan and a lift of the hips for his effort. Jensen pumped Jared a few times before finally lifting his eyes to look at his face. He found Jared's eyes fluttering closed and his head arching back as his breathing became more rapid with every stroke.

Jensen wondered what else he could do to make Jared continue moaning and moving like that. He remembered what Jared had said on the phone and bent to lick at the crown of Jared's cock. His tongue skimmed around the head and brushed over the slit. The sensation made Jared gasp and his eyes flew open. He sat up in time to see Jensen's tongue tease the slit again and then he groaned as Jensen's mouth engulfed him.

Jensen swallowed a few inches before he nearly gagged, so he worked the rest with his hand and only sucked a few inches into his mouth. It was so sloppy and wet, he knew he must be doing a bad job because Jared whined, “Jesus Jensen stop.” Attempting to wipe up the sloppy mess he made, Jensen stroked up as his mouth pulled off Jared's cock. He looked up to apologize to Jared, but Jared's hand wrapped around his and they pumped his cock hard and fast a few more times before Jared came all over his own chest, abs and their hands.

Jensen leaned back in awe. He did that. He had made Jared come. Looking down at his hand, he had the sudden urge to taste the bit of come covering his fingers. Jared whimpered as he watched Jensen tentatively lick his finger. “Oh fuck,” he panted. “You're killing me, Jensen. You really are.”

“Hmm?” Jensen asked looking at Jared with innocent wide eyes.

Jared collapsed backwards and closed his eyes, frowning. He was supposed to be making Jensen fall apart at the seams, not the other way around.

Jared pushed himself up, turned and gently shoved Jensen onto the bed. “Don’t move,” he commanded, grabbing a shirt from his hamper to wipe the mess covering his body. He grinned mischievously at Jensen. “My turn.”

In the next moment, Jared was blanketing Jensen, tugging at his shirt, trying to pull it over his head. He went back to kissing Jensen once the shirt was out of the way. Jensen's fingers carded through Jared's hair as Jared's hand aggressively worked at Jensen's jeans. When Jared leaned away to shove the jeans down Jensen's legs, his eyes fell to the grim red scars on Jensen's chest and he stopped. His inaction got Jensen's attention immediately. “Oh shit, shit.” Jensen blushed scarlet, snatched his shirt and held it over his chest. “I'm sorry. I forgot.”

“Hey, what are you doing?” Jared's voice was soft, but he grabbed onto Jensen's shirt.

Jensen couldn't look into Jared's eyes. “Putting my shirt on. I forgot how ugly these scars are.”

“Jensen,” Jared said softly. “I don't mind your scars, I just forgot about them. You're so healthy now and gorgeous I forgot you were ever sick.” He tugged on Jensen's shirt, but Jensen didn't let go. “If it weren't for these scars, you wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have you. I love these scars.”

Jensen continued to hold tight to the shirt and subtly shook his head. Part of Jensen was terrified and wanted to run, the rest of him wanted to grab onto Jared and never let go. “I really know how to kill the mood, don’t I?” He grumbled, as he sat up, pulled his shirt over his head and scrubbed a hand over his face like he could wipe away his shame. “I should go. Obviously, I’m not ready for this.”

Jared hurriedly yanked on some shorts. “No, Jensen. I promise I’m not going to pressure you into anything. We can hang out on the couch and watch movies or something.”

The hope, the happiness that had been building inside Jensen, crumbled. In its place regret and self-pity swirled. His mouth twitched into a sad half smile. With his head still bowed and without looking at Jared he repeated, “Hang out?”

“Yeah. Stay here. Make yourself comfortable. I'll be right back.” Jared rushed from the room, leaving Jensen to sink deeper in his doubt.

It was his most demoralizing fear. He wasn't what Jared wanted but Jared would still want to be friends. Jensen would have to pretend that he was okay with that and that he didn't want more. Worse, he'd have to act like he was happy when Jared found someone else.

He was still sitting with his head in his hands when Jared returned carrying the wii and some games. “All right. Sit back and get ready for me to kick your ass in a Smash Bros tournament.”

  


They played for hours. At first Jensen had been too depressed to try, but after suffering Jared gloating and crowing, he snapped out of it and kicked Jared's ass in the next round.

They were so focused on the game, they didn't realize it had gotten late until they heard Chad and Sophia in the hall. “Jared,” Sophia began, opening his bedroom door. We brought you some cake from the --- OHMYGOD!”

From behind her Chad covered her eyes with his hand. “What, is he naked?” He peered over her shoulder and saw Jensen in bed with Jared, both fully clothed. He took his hand off her eyes.

Jared had paused the game when Sophia entered so Jensen wouldn't take advantage of the interruption. “Hi guys, you remember my boyfriend, Jensen.”

Chad waved from the door, “Yeah, hi.”

Sophia smiled, wide and friendly. “Hey, Jensen.”

Jensen was so stunned by Jared calling him his boyfriend that he barely looked at them. “Hi.”

“Glad you guys are home, but we were in the middle of playing for position when you interrupted, so if you don't mind,” Jared nodded toward the door.

Chad and Sophia chuckled and fumbled for the door. “Okay, well, you guys have fun.”

“We are.” Then suddenly Jared remembered Jensen's confession from the other day and added, “Hey guys, one more thing. Jensen hasn't come out to his parents yet, so it'd be cool if you kept this on the dl.”

They nodded. “Yeah, no worries.”

The went to shut the door when Jared called out again, “Wait, I forgot the most important thing. Didn't you mention cake?”

Amused, Sophia raised the bag and set it on Jared's desk, then pulled the door shut behind her.

  


Jensen rubbed his tired eyes but he couldn't keep a smile off his face. The giddiness caused by Jared's words was spreading through him sweeping away his earlier self-doubt. “It's late. Maybe I should --”

“Stay over,” Jared supplied, nodding. He took a deep breath and faced Jensen on the bed. “Yes. I agree. Call DJ so he doesn't worry, but stay here tonight.”

Another wave of happiness washed over Jensen. “I have an early class.”

“I'll set my alarm.” Jared blushed but continued, “You'll probably think I'm sappy, but I wanna sleep with you. Just sleep,” he quickly clarified. “I wanna wake up with you still here with me.”

Jensen answered by leaning in and placing his lips over Jared's in a kiss that lasted several long minutes.


	6. Chapter 6

Over the next month Jared spent most of his time torn between 'oh my god I'm dating Jensen. I need to take things slow' and 'oh my god I'm dating Jensen. We've got to fuck right this minute'.

Jensen, however, was a nervous wreck. Every time he and Jared had a 'date' – he wasn't sure what to call them – things would get hot, but then Jared would pull back. Just because Jensen was a virgin, didn't mean he wanted to stay a virgin.

There was also the issue of him not being 'out'. When they'd go out in public, they'd be in a group and Jared would never act like they were anything more than friends.

Unfortunately for Jensen, Jared was very demonstrative with all his friends. He was always hugging or touching someone. Just when Jensen thought he would die from jealousy, Jared would find a way for his attention to linger on Jensen and nearly squash those fears.

There were times Jared would give in to the desire to touch Jensen and forget that his boyfriend wasn't out. Then Jensen would tense and Jared would crumble a little but he'd pull away. The only time it seemed okay to touch Jensen, in public, was when they studied.

  


Finals were quickly approaching and Jared joined DJ, Danneel and Jensen as they studied for their biology exam. The pressure of exams and the end of the semester meant that Jensen had little time to be alone with him, so Jared took every opportunity he had to see him.

They were not holding hands, but Jared rested his hand over Jensen's and absentmindedly rubbing circles into Jensen's wrist with his finger tips. The soft touch was just enough to relieve some of the stress Jensen was feeling.

Across the table, Danneel smirked at him, but she was too happy to tease him for the PDA. Next to him, DJ was too busy studying to notice.

Jared's fingers traced the scars on the inside of Jensen's wrist. He felt them before, dozens of times, probably, but this time they distracted him. “You had a real shitty nurse, didn't you?”

“What?” Jensen looked up at him, clueless.

Jared held Jensen's wrist in his hand and turned it over exposing the scars. “I mean how does a person mess up an IV so badly?”

Jensen didn't answer. He looked at Danneel and then DJ and found them both staring at his wrist. When she tore her eyes away from the scars, Danneel nodded subtly and DJ pressed his knee against Jensen's.

Jared noted the non-verbal communication, but ignored it. Those three were always doing that. “My grandma was in the hospital last winter and she got really angry because the IV left ugly bruises on her hands and arms. At least your scars aren't that noticeable,” Jared added.

“Right. Still pretty ugly, though,” Jensen replied, studying his scars, trying to see them how Jared did. He pulled his hand back and made a show of stretching, rubbing his eyes, and yawning.

Jared took in the perfomance and smiled fondly. “Looks like someone needs a caffeine fix.” Jensen dropped his hands, perking up at the suggestion and making Jared grin. “Okay, I'm buying. Dani, DJ, what do you guys need?”

When Jared left with their orders of diet cokes and a Dr. Pepper for Jensen, Danneel and DJ glared at Jensen. “What?” he asked meekly as if he didn't know.

“Tell him the truth,” Danneel said.

Jensen swallowed. “It's not that easy.”

“What have we learned in group?” DJ asked sternly. “Face up to what you've done. You're stronger than you were.”

“What about you guys? Do I tell him about you, too?” Jensen demanded hoping the idea of him sharing their secrets would get them to leave him alone.

It quieted them for a moment but DJ nodded. “Yeah. You can tell him about me.”

Danneel shrugged and agreed. “Yeah, me too. Jared is a good guy. If telling him about us makes it easier for you, then go ahead.”

DJ bumped him again. “You're in love with the guy. If you plan on having him around for awhile, you should tell him. Keeping secrets just messes shit up.”

Jensen looked from one to the other in shock, ready to deny DJ's claim, but the look Danneel gave him was enough to stop him. They hadn't said those words to each other but Jensen knew his friends were right. He was in love with Jared. And he was terrified. Terrified that he would never be good enough for Jared and admitting to the suicide attempt might be enough to scare off Jared for good.

  


When Jared returned with the drinks, the mood shift at the table was impossible to ignore. He gave Jensen a questioning look but got Jensen's nervous hand through the hair in reply. He shrugged and sat, popping the cap of his high lighter, ready to tackle Benjamin Bloom's research and ignore the non-verbal argument of the other three.

Finally Jensen said, “Jared, how much more work do you have?”

“Nothing that can't wait. Why? What's up?”

Jensen swallowed. “I gotta tell you something.”

Jared's mind flew to 'worst case scenario' and he blurted, “Are you sick again?” Which seemed to be confirmed by Danneel gathering her things and motioning to DJ to do the same.

“No!” Jensen assured him and then turned to Danneel. “Stay. Please.” Danneel nodded and Jensen blew out a breath. He turned his wrist, exposing his scars. “These scars are not from an IV. I did that. Not a nurse. I slit my wrist trying to kill myself.”

Shocked, Jared's eyes flew from Jensen's to DJ's to Danneel's and back, noticing how the others weren't surprised at all. “What?!”

“I gave up. My organs were failing. I was dying and mostly, I lost hope.”

Jared pushed his chair back from the table and stared at Jensen in shock. “Oh...wow.”

Jensen paled and let his hands fall to his lap. Embarrassed and nauseous with nerves he wouldn't meet Jared's eyes. DJ reached over and gently squeezed his hand. Comforted by that support, Jensen tilted his head and offered him a grateful smile.

Anger, confusion and emotions Jared couldn't even name were rolling inside him one after the other. As if she could see the battle inside him, Danneel touched his arm. “There's a reason he told us before telling you.” Ignoring the surprise on Jensen's face, she continued, “It's how we met.”

“A support group for survivors,” DJ added, giving Jensen's arm another reassuring squeeze.

Jared's mouth fell open and he looked from one to the other and back at Jensen.

“I didn't know how to tell you,” Jensen admitted weakly. “These guys said I better if I planned on keeping you around.”

“Were you guys sick, too?” Jared asked then he shook his head. “Never mind, you don't need to tell me.” He turned to Jensen. “You said you met in recovery,” Jared said sounding confused.

Jensen nodded. “Yeah, but I didn't say recovery from what.”

With a nod of his head, DJ had Danneel packing up again. “Jared, we told Jensen to tell you because we thought y'all were strong enough to hear it. Don't disappoint us.” He stood and collected his things. With a pat on Jensen's shoulder, they left.

His courage disappeared with his friends, leaving Jensen a ball of nerves. “Jared?”

“That's why you guys are so close.”

Jensen nodded.

Jared nodded, then shook his head, still trying to decide on an emotion. “I, I can't believe it.”

“I just wanted it over, Jared. I was so tired of being let down. I wanted to be done.”

“God, Jensen, I'm so sorry,” Jared said finally moving back up to the table.

Jensen briefly glanced at him. “Not your fault, Jared.”

Without caring about who was watching, he took Jensen's hand, rubbing over the scars with his thumb. “I’m glad you didn’t go through with it. What stopped you?”

“My mom came in. Told me they found a heart.” He took a breath at the feeling the memory conjured. “It was quite the scene.”

“I bet.” Jared nearly smiled. “I always did love your mom.”

“I'm not suicidal,” Jensen assured him. “I'm not more depressed than anyone else. I had one shitty day and didn't think my life would get better because I was dying. I wanted to die on my own terms.”

Jared nodded. “I can understand that.”

Jensen blew out a breath in relief. “I was put in the program with Dani and DJ because transplants aren't given to suicidal patients. The only way for me to get my new heart was to agree to long term treatment.” He shrugged. “It actually helps a lot and Dani and DJ have been great.”

“They're okay now? They're not...”

Jensen shook his head. “They're not suicidal. Like I said, our therapy helps. Now they're just ' regular' fucked up like the rest of us.”

Jared squeezed his hand. “If you ever...”

“Don't worry. I've got plenty of people to talk to whenever I need to talk.”

  


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Jensen thought that finally telling Jared about the attempted suicide would have alleviated some of the stress he felt, but he was wrong. It was the week before both finals and Christmas, giving Jensen even more reasons to be stressed. On top of that, he felt Jared had became distant.

Common sense told Jensen that Jared had the stress of finals and the holidays weighing on him, too, but that didn’t make him feel better.

  


The real reason for Jensen's anxiety was Steve Amell. Jared's ex kept calling and texting and when they were on one of their group outings Steve saw no reason not to flirt with Jared. When this happened, Jared would smile politely and turn him down, but that did little to ease Jensen's mind.

  


The Sunday before finals found Jensen watching movies at Jared's place. Jason Bourne had just walked into that bar on the Greek Islands when Jared's phone beeped for the third time. Jared looked at it, snorted a laugh, deleted it and turned back to the screen, but Jensen couldn't stop staring at the phone. He was so deep in thought, he missed Jared getting up to change the DVD and asking him if he wanted to watch the second movie.

“Are you getting back with Steve?”

Jared turned, his brow wrinkled in confusion at the question. “What?”

“Steve. He keeps calling. He keeps...” he waved a hand at the phone. “He wants you back. Do you want him?” When Jared didn't answer right away, Jensen continued, “It's okay, Jared, I get it. He's out, he practically lives in a gym, you guys have slept together and I'm a closeted virgin. The choice is pretty obvious.” He gave Jared a self-deprecating smile and stood to leave.

“Hey, no. I don't want Steve back.” Jared grabbed Jensen's arm. “Steve's a self-obsessed asshole who cheated on me. Don't ever compare yourself to him. He keeps calling and texting because I can't tell him I'm seeing you.” Jensen nodded but Jared could see the cloud of doubt surrounding him. “If you were out, believe me there wouldn't be anyone who wouldn't know we were together.”

Jensen stopped himself from saying _so it’s my fault_ and instead, forced himself to ask, “Is that why you won’t have sex with me?”

“What?”

“Because I’m not out? Is that why you don’t want to have sex with me?”

Stunned by the question, Jared replied, “No.”

But before Jared could elaborate, Jensen said, “Then is it my scars? Is it me? I mean I know I don’t know what I’m doing, but I want to be doing something, Jared.” While Jared tried to wrap his mind around Jensen’s words, Jensen fell under the weight of his own doubts. “You can be honest. I'm not as fragile as you think I am.” Except he felt Jared’s answer would break him.

Jared took a deep breath and sat on the coffee table in front of Jensen. “Honestly, Jensen, it's because sex with you would mean something. And that kind of scares me.” He sighed. “I didn't think it would bother me that you're not out, but it does. I always have to watch how I act, what I say. My mom wanted to know if I was bringing my boyfriend over during Christmas and I had to lie and tell her I wasn't seeing anyone. I feel I don't mean the same to you as you do to me.”

Jensen closed his eyes and tried to breathe but there was no air left in the room. He nodded and found his voice. “You deserve better.”

“Don't tell me what I deserve. I deserve you. I want you.” Jared combed his fingers through Jensen's hair. Taking Jensen's hands in his he said, “Tell me why you don't think we're worth the risk.”

“I do. I –,” Jensen caught himself right before he confessed to being in love with Jared. “I'm just not ready to tell my mom.”

“Seriously? I know your mom. She loves you. There's no way she doesn't accept you.”

“I've put my mom through so much. I'll never forgive myself if I hurt her again.”

Jared nodded. “Can't you talk to her over Christmas? Maybe she's not as close minded as you think.”

Jensen sighed. “You know how religious she is. How she was always praying and telling me to 'keep the faith'.”

Jared shook off Jensen's concerns. “Think about it. What's the worst that can happen? Your mom won't abandon you.”

“She might make me choose. And how could I not choose her, Jared? After everything she gave up for me? After everything she's done? She's my mom. She saved my life.” Jensen sounded ruined. “I can't break her heart.”

Jared bowed his head in defeat; Jensen had already decided. His grip on Jensen's hands loosened. He sat back, rubbed his hands on his thighs and stood.

“Jared, don't,” Jensen pleaded. “Please? I'll talk to her. I will. I --”

“Jensen, it's okay. I get it. I'd never force you to come out if you're not ready.”

Jensen's eyes followed him across the room. “Are you breaking up with me?”

“No. of course not. I'm a little too far gone for that. And I'll be here, whatever you decide to do.” He had to change the subject. Thinking about losing Jensen was breaking his heart. Clearing his throat Jared tried to sound upbeat. “Hey, I meant to tell you that Chad and I are coming back early to throw a New Year's Eve party. Uh, Sophia is working New Year's Day, covering the bowl games at the restaurant. So you should come back, if you want.”

“Sounds great,” Jensen replied with a fake smile of his own. “I should get going. Exams in the morning.”

Even though Jensen had stayed over almost every Sunday night, Jared wasn't surprised. “I'll see you before you head home, right?”

“Yeah. I'll come by on Thursday after your exam.” Jensen nodded, but everything felt wrong. If they didn't break up, why did it feel like they did? A boyfriend wouldn't have to ask if they were going to see each other before break. A boyfriend would know.

Jensen summoned every ounce of courage he had to stride confidently across the room. He leaned in and kissed Jared. After a moment, Jared was clutching at him and opening to the Jensen's demanding kiss. As the kiss went on, Jensen became more certain everything would be okay. Jared prayed it wasn't a kiss good-bye.

  


  


 

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Jensen waited for Jared on the steps to his building Thursday afternoon. There wasn't enough time for a proper good-bye, he was leaving for home with Danneel soon, but he needed to see Jared. Not only did he have a Christmas gift for him, he had to make sure they were all right.

A weight lifted from his shoulders when he saw Chad, Sophia and Jared turn the corner. A smile broke out across his face. “Hey, guys.”

Sophia smiled and rushed to hug him, squealing, “Jensen! Merry Christmas! Happy finally free of finals day!”

“Leave the pretty boy alone.” Chad pried her arms off of Jensen. “Sorry, man, but when my girl's happy she likes to share the love.”

Sophia kissed Jensen's cheek. “You're coming to the New Year's party, right?”

“Wouldn't miss it.”

“Good. It's gonna be a rager. ” She left him with a slap and a squeeze to his butt. Chad thumped him on the shoulder and followed Sophia into the building.

Once alone, awkwardness settled over them. Neither could decide if they should sit or stand or who should talk first. “How were your exams?”

“When are you leaving?”

“Good.”

“Soon. You?”

“Danneel is picking me up in a little while.”

After talking over each other, Jared sighed and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “I'm glad you stopped by. It would have sucked if I didn't see you before break.”

Jensen's smile began to return. “Well I had to give you this.” He pulled a Christmas card from his pocket. “Merry Christmas, man.”

Embarrassed, Jared groaned. “I don't have... I mean I do, but it's in the house and it's not wrapped.”

Jensen waved him off. “You can give it to me on New Year's.” He waited, watching Jared studying the card. “Aren't you going to open it?”

Jared shook his head. “Naw, wouldn't be fair. I'll open it on Christmas.”

“Oh. Okay.” Not getting to see Jared open it, deflated Jensen. “Don't forget, though. Call me once you open it.”

“Yeah, of course.” Jared folded it and crammed it in his back pocket, making Jensen wince.

The awkwardness returned ten-fold. Their nerves clouded around them, choking their thoughts. Feeling dismissed, Jensen said, “I guess I'll get going.” This was not how he wanted to say good-bye.

“Drive carefully.” Jared cringed. He wanted to grab Jensen, hold onto him and kiss him senseless, but he knew he couldn't do that in public. Instead he said, “Call me over break. Let me know if you're gonna make the party.”

“Yeah. I will.” He took a couple steps then stopped. This was bullshit. He was not leaving this way. He had to fix this. Every time he felt anxious or depressed, Jared made him feel better, so why would this be any different?

Suddenly he smiled, a bright genuine smile. Turning around he said, “Hey, Jared?” Jared turned and looked confused when he saw Jensen's beaming expression. “I love you.”

Astonished beyond words, Jared's own doubts were replaced with his gaping fish mouth. “I - I”

Proud of himself for saying it first, Jensen didn't let Jared respond. “I'll see you New Year's Eve,” he said and walked away.

 

 

  



	7. Chapter 7

  


Two days after Christmas, Jensen sat at the kitchen table unable to eat his breakfast. His nerves twisted his insides so much that it was all he could do to keep from running or vomiting. His dad stood at the counter with his cup of coffee, his mom dried dishes.

Nearly driven crazy by his son's nervous behavior, Alan asked, “Okay, Jensen, What's going on? Did you fail a class? Did you mess up an exam?”

"No. Nothing like that. I just have to tell you guys something and I, uh, I..."

Surprised at Jensen's uncharacteristic stammering, Donna turned to face him. "Oh for heaven's sake Jensen what is it?"

He sighed. "I, uh, I'm gay." He looked from his father to his mother and then back to his hands when his mother gasped.

She covered her mouth with her hand and her eyes filled with tears.

"I'm sorry," Jensen whispered in a broken voice.

Donna turned to her husband and buried her face in his chest.

"Jensen, would you give us a minute?" his father asked while he attempted to soothe his wife.

Jensen shoved away from the table and rushed to his room.

  


Eyes blurring with tears, he gathered his clothes figuring he wasn't going to be staying any longer. Everything hurt. He was so angry with himself for disappointing and upsetting his mother. She had done so much for him and now, now she couldn't stand to look at him.

With trembling fingers he pulled his phone from his pocket to call Jared. He choked on a breath as he swiped his thumb across the screen, but then he couldn't make the call. He didn't want Jared to know how awful he felt.

Then there was a knock on his door and his dad's voice asking to be let in. Wiping his eyes, Jensen opened the door and was immediately hugged by his mother. Still fighting her own tears, she managed to say, “Oh Jensen, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. What you must think.” She pulled back and looked into his eyes. Cupping his face in her hands, she wiped his tears with the pads of her thumbs. “Sweetie, don't...I'm not,” her voice caught and she couldn't speak.

Alan gently grabbed her arm and pulled her back. “Son, would you sit down? We'd like the chance to speak with you.”

Jensen sat on his bed and looked expectantly from one parent to the other. “I'm sorry,” he repeated.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” his father assured him. He put his arm around his wife and squeezed. “We're sorry if we made you feel like you do.”

Donna joined Jensen on the bed and took his hand. “Jensen, we're not upset with you. We're not angry. I'm crying because,” she sighed, “hasn't your life been hard enough? Being gay, even in this day and age, isn't easy. And you're going to face so much hate and bigotry. You don't deserve that. Not because of who you love.”

Jensen blinked in surprise at his mother's words, too shocked to say anything in response.

“I'm so sorry I made you think I was disappointed in you. I, I just want you to have a happy life.” She ran a gentle hand through his hair. “After all you've been through, I just want you to be happy.” She smiled at him through her tears.

“I am happy, Mom,” Jensen replied quietly and his mother hugged him tightly.

“Jensen,” his dad spoke up, “it's a dangerous world out there. There was that boy from your sister's school who was nearly killed because he was gay. I want you to be proud of who you are and who you love, but for our sakes, be careful.”

Jensen nodded at his dad and said, “I will.”

“Now, remember, I've always said there's only two ways you could disappoint me: flunking out of school and getting a girl pregnant. Guess I don't have to worry about that last one anymore.” His father smirked and the tension disappeared from the room.

“Yeah, Dad, you don't have to worry about either of those things happening.”

“Good.” His mother ruffled his hair, wiped her eyes and stood. “Now that that is all cleared up,” she once again stood next to his father. “I have a feeling you told us because you've met someone.”

“Yeah,” Jensen admitted instantly blushing.

“Well, tell us about him,” his dad demanded. “Just because you're gay doesn't mean we're not going to give you the third degree about whom you're dating.”

Jensen sheepishly rubbed his face. “Actually, you kinda know him. Remember Jared Padalecki?”

“The boy that tutored you?” Donna asked completely shocked by the information.

Jensen nodded. “That's him. We're kind of dating.”

“Hmm,” Alan nodded remembering. “He seemed like a nice guy. Smart. Decent looking. Ate all my chicken if I remember correctly.”

Jensen shook his head and huffed a small laugh. “Yeah, that's him.”

“Well, you could have done worse,” Alan replied earning him an elbow to the ribs from Donna. “Ow, hey, guys can be jerks. I should know, I am one.”

“A jerk?” his wife teased.

“No. I'm one of the good ones.” Alan hugged her again and winked at Jensen. “I hope Jared is, too. We found you that new heart, I don't want to see it get broken.”

“Alan,” Donna chided him playfully and turned to Jensen. “We love you, honey. We always will. Even if you flunk out of school.” She held out her arms to him for a hug which Jensen happily gave her.

øøøøøøøøøøøøøø

“You're here!” Jared shouted, eyes shining with alcohol and joy as he hugged Jensen tightly.

“I'm here,” Jensen squeaked from inside the tight embrace, grinning at Jared's warm welcome.

“I can't believe it. I didn't think you were gonna make it.” Jared released him from the hug but let his hands glide down Jensen's arms. “I'm so glad you're here.”

“Me, too.”

With his hands on Jensen's wrists, Jared swayed as he repeated, “I can't believe you're really here.”

Jensen chuckled as he studied Jared. “Just how drunk are you?”

Jared scrunched his face in thought. “I didn't think you were coming so I wanted to drink enough to forget I had no one to kiss at midnight.” Then he leaned in to speak into Jensen's ear. “Now I can kiss you.” He leaned back to look into Jensen's eyes. “We'll go off some place so no one will see.”

With a sly smile Jensen let his eyes fall to Jared's lips. “We don't have to.”

Jared tugged on Jensen's hands and pouted. “Please? I really wanna kiss you at midnight to bring in the new year.”

Jensen grinned. “I meant we don't have to go off some place. I'll kiss you any where.”

Jared pulled Jensen's arms so that they wrapped around him. “Anywhere?” he giggled while wagging his eyebrows and wiggling his hips into Jensen.

Laughing, Jensen gently pulled himself free. “I meant, we don't have to hide.”

“Wait? What? I need to get sober.” Jared grabbed a glass from a girl walking by and downed the clear liquid it held before wincing, “Not water.”

Shaking his head, but still laughing, Jensen said, “Water's not usually served in shot glasses, man.” He took Jared's hand and they walked into the kitchen. “Let's get you some water from the source.” He took a bottle out of the refrigerator and handed it to Jared. “Drink up.”

Jared stared at him with a goofy, fond grin. “I can't believe you're here.”

“Yeah,” Jensen nodded. “We covered that.”

“It's just that I can't believe it.”

“Jensen!” Chad shouted the moment he saw him. “Man, am I glad to see you.”

Jensen turned to him with a wry smile. “Why? You want me to kiss you at midnight, too?”

Chad laughed. “No, but now you get to babysit his drunk ass and I get to relax.”

Jared scoffed. “ 'm not that drunk.”

Both Jensen and Chad rolled their eyes and said, “Yeah you are.” Then, Jensen added, “But, don't worry Chad, I've got his ass.”

Jared leaned against him. “Yeah you do.”

Chad patted Jensen's shoulder. “Good luck with that.”

  


The party became more crowded as midnight neared. Since the downstairs neighbors had combined their party with Chad and Jared's, the crowds mixed and mingled. Jared clung to Jensen's side, never stepping away even when other friends called to him from across the room. There was no way he was going to miss being with Jensen at the turn of the new year.

“Jensen!” A girl from his English class grabbed his arm. “Oh my god. I didn't know you knew Chad.”

“Hey Cindy.” Jensen gave her a half hug. “Yeah, I'm dating his room mate.”

“I'm the room mate,” Jared said thrusting a hand at her in greeting.

Cindy laughed and shook his hand. “Hi room mate.”

Jensen rolled his eyes in mock annoyance. “His name is Jared and he may have had a beer or two.”

While Jensen and Cindy chatted about their English exam, Jared basked in the glow of Jensen's words. Jensen had told this girl they were dating. Then it hit him. Not caring that Cindy and Jensen were in the middle of a conversation, Jared stepped between them. “You said we're dating. Does that mean what I think it means?”

“Jared.” Jensen moved him aside. “Sorry, Cindy.”

“No worries. We'll talk later. Happy New Year.”

Jared completely ignored their exchange. “Well?”

“'Well' what?”

Jared bounced like an annoyed toddler and whined, “Jensen!”

“Oh, you mean am I out? Yes, I am. Did I tell my parents? Yes, I did.”

“Were they okay?” Jared asked looking as concerned as a person with that much alcohol in them could.

“They were great. They were happy to hear that you're my boyfriend.”

Jensen's words were breaking through the fog of alcohol. “You told them about me? You told them I'm your boyfriend?”

“Of course.”

The music stopped, the sound from the TV was turned on, and the party counted down to midnight. Jared grabbed Jensen's hand and tugged, hoping to get to a more private place. But Jensen held firm. He had resolved to come out and there was no better way than to kiss his boyfriend at midnight in a crowded room.

As Chad and Sophia stood on the coffee table and shouted the last seconds of the countdown, Jensen wrapped his arm around Jared and threaded his fingers through the hair at Jared's nape. He whispered, “Happy New Year,” and pulled Jared into a kiss.

Jared's hand cupped Jensen's cheek and he deepened the kiss. The party disappeared and they existed in their own private world as they kissed in the new year. Someone jostled them and the spell was broken. Jared pulled back but brought his other hand to hold Jensen's face. Leaning his forehead against Jensen's he said, “I love you. I love you so fucking much. I know you think I'm drunk---”

Jensen moved back to look into Jared's eyes. “Jared.”

“No. Shh. I love you. I'm in love with you. I have been for a while now. I thought I was in love with you in high school, but that's nothing to how I feel now. God Jensen, you have no idea.”

“Jared,” Jensen repeated and finally got his attention. “I love you, too. Ever since that day you found me in the library, I've been in love with you.”

A stunningly bright smile broke across Jared's face and he whooped in joy. Grabbing Jensen in a fierce hug he said, “This is gonna be the best year ever.”

Plastic champagne flutes were thrust into their hands and shouts of “Happy New Year!” were echoing through the party. Jensen cringed as he watched Jared down the sparkling wine. The guy didn't need any more alcohol. But then Jared was grabbing a second glass and looping their arms together to drink. “Cheers!” Jensen laughed and drank his glass of cheap wine.

øøøøøøøøøøøøøø

  


  


Watching bowl games in a loud crowded bar/restaurant didn't help Jared's hangover, but having Jensen doting on him made everything ache less. Jared wasn't watching the game, he was only there to support Sophia, but Chad and Jensen shouted and cursed enough for all of them. When Jensen excused himself for the bathroom, Jared grabbed Chad. “What are your plans for later?”

Chad shrugged. “Don't know. Soph's got another hour or so and then I figured we'd head home. Why? Did you and lover boy make plans?”

“No, well, I did, I mean, I am.” Jared blushed and ducked his head making Chad burst out laughing.

“Oh I see. You and Jensen gonna do the deed.”

Jared shushed him. “Shh. I don't know but it'll be our first time so I was kinda hoping you and Sophia wouldn't be around.”

Chad nodded and took a swig of his beer. “Well, I am the most awesome room mate ever. We can stay as Soph's tonight. Her room mate isn't back yet.”

“Thanks man.” Jared felt his heart rate jump a notch just thinking about having Jensen alone.

øøøøøøøøøøøøø

 

 

Returning from the bathroom, Jensen saw a familiar and most unwelcome face at the bar. Steve Amell was drinking with some friends, but he seemed to be watching Jared. Then he heard him say, “Yeah, I guess I broke his heart, but he was too trusting. He didn't catch on for weeks. The thing is, he has a great dick, so I'm gonna go for it again. Play the 'I learned my lesson please take me back' card.”

It was enough to make Jensen's blood boil. He decided to put an end to Steve's attention once and for all. Taking a breath he walked up to Steve and rested his arm on the guy's shoulder. “You've really got to stop trying to get Jared, man.”

Steve pivoted out from under Jensen's arm. “What's it to you?”

Jensen shrugged. “I'm just trying to help you out, man. 'Cause you see, Jared's with me now and I'm not the idiot you are. I'm not letting him go. So you can either waste away, pining over my boyfriend and his perfect dick or you can go get a life.” He waited for Steve to say anything in retort, but the guy could only gape at him. Jensen smirked and said, “Amell you later.”

  


The moment she saw Jensen approach Steve, Sophia rushed to the table to point it out. Although they couldn't hear what Jensen said, his cocky smirk and the way Steve stared after him were enough to make them laugh. “Dude, what did you say to him?” Chad begged when Jensen joined them.

“I told him Jared and his perfect dick belonged to me now so he should go sweat someone else's boyfriend.”

Chad roared. “You didn't.”

“I did. Then I said, 'Amell you later'.”

Chad giggled. “Dude, you are too funny.” Then he turned to Sophia and added, “Babe, we're staying at your place tonight 'cause these two need to get the bed bouncin'.”

Jared turned fifty shades of red, but Jensen laughed.

øøøøøøøøøøøøøø

  


Jared had Jensen pinned to the wall and was grinding into him as they kissed. “I fucking love kissing you,” he whispered. “You make me want you more each time and I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop.”

Jensen leaned away. “But you do. You stop every time.”

Jared swallowed. “Because you almost left the one time we went further. I don’t want you to leave.”

Jensen’s gaze fell to Jared’s lips. “I’m not leaving.” He leaned forward capturing Jared’s mouth in a much needed kiss.

Jared’s hands cradled Jensen’s head and slowly he maneuvered Jensen to the couch. Without breaking the kiss, Jared straddled Jensen’s lap. Jensen squeezed Jared’s hips, dragging him closer. Jared took Jensen’s hands from his hips and pinned them to the back of the couch. He broke the kiss, put his mouth next to Jensen’s ear and whispered, “The things I want to do to you.”

Jared’s hot breath against his ear made Jensen shiver. “Tell me.” When Jared’s teeth tugged on his earlobe, Jensen rocked his hips under Jared.

Jared answered with a roll of his own hips. “Let’s go to my room so we won’t get interrupted.” Still holding Jensen’s hands, Jared gracefully climbed off his lap and pulled Jensen up to stand.

Jensen tugged a hand free of Jared’s grip and shoved it in his pants. “Sorry, I gotta adjust or I’m not going to be able to make the walk.”

Jared smirked and undid the button on Jensen’s jeans. “Yeah. We definitely need you to get to the bedroom in one piece.” His fingers dipped inside to brush the tip of Jensen’s hardening cock.

Jensen sucked in breath at the touch which encouraged Jared to drag Jensen’s zipper down agonizingly slow. “Dude, if you’re going to touch me, touch me. Don’t be a tease about it.”

Though he kept walking backwards to his room, Jared leaned in for a quick kiss. “So bossy. I’m just trying to enjoy the moment.”

Jensen grabbed Jared’s shoulders and hauled him in for another kiss. His teeth tugged Jared’s lower lip as he pulled away. “I would enjoy the moment more if your hand --” the rest of his words were lost in a hiss as Jared slid his hand inside Jensen’s jeans to cup his erection through his underwear.

Jared shut his bedroom door with his free hand while he continued to rub Jensen with the other. “Naked now,” he said, withdrawing his hand so that Jensen could follow his suggestion.

He didn’t allow Jensen any time to feel self conscious of his scars. Once Jensen’s shirt was off, Jared was mouthing a path from his collarbone to his nipple. He sucked on one and brushed over the other with his thumb. Jensen stroked Jared a few times, thrilled to find him getting harder with each touch.

Jared broke contact and ordered Jensen to get on the bed and lay back. He allowed himself a second to enjoy the sight, then he crawled on top of Jensen, blanketing him with his body. “Fuck, Jensen, you’re so fucking gorgeous I’m going to lose it just looking at you.”

Jensen spread his legs and Jared fell between them, dragging their cocks against each other making Jensen moan and squeeze Jared’s ass. The dry hot friction was great, but not what Jared wanted. He rocked them together a few times, biting and sucking on Jensen’s neck and shoulder. Jensen began to roll his hips up, matching Jared’s rhythm and gripping Jared so tightly he left marks.

Jared pushed himself up and slid down Jensen’s body and knelt between Jensen’s legs. “Jared?” Jensen panted looking curiously at Jared.

Jared placed his hands on Jensen’s hips, his thumbs tracing circles on the bones, and blew out a breath to regain control. “I don’t have supplies so we can’t actually fuck, but I promise to get some for next time.”

“Okay,” Jensen breathed, feeling slightly relieved but still anxious about why Jared had stopped.

“Your cock is fucking perfect.” Jared said when he slipped a hand around Jensen’s length and held it up. “I can’t wait to ride you.” Tightening his grip, he slid his hand down and squeezed the base of Jensen’s dick. “God that’s going to feel so fucking good.” Jensen moaned and thrust into Jared’s grip. “Would you like that?” Jared whispered in a low voice. “Would you like watching me sink down on this incredible cock of yours? watching me ride you until I come?”

Jensen whimpered. “Jared, shut up. You're gonna make me come just talking about it.”

Jared grinned wickedly. “Yeah, I think I've got something better to do with my mouth.” He winked and took Jensen into his mouth. His hand worked the length he couldn't swallow and Jensen's hips rocked off the bed. Jared allowed him to set the pace for a minute before taking back control and holding Jensen's hips with his free hand.

It took only a few minutes before Jensen knew he was going to lose his mind. “Jare, Jared, I'm gonna, oh god!” he moaned as Jared swallowed.

After catching his breath, Jensen panted, “Fuck, that was amazing.”

Jared crawled up the bed and relaxed next to Jensen. “Yeah, I've got all sorts of mad skills.”

Jensen propped himself up on his elbows. He reached for Jared's cock and said “Dude, let me --”

Jared stopped his hand. “I'm good. I, uh, took care of it while I took care of you.” Seeing Jensen's slightly crestfallen look he added, “Don't worry. That was just the first of many of our sexy time adventures this weekend.”

Jensen grinned. “Good, because technically, I'm still a virgin and I don't want to leave this apartment until you take care of that.”

Jared leaned in and kissed him. “Was losing your virginity your New Year's resolution?”

“No.” Jensen kissed him back. “Telling you I love you was my resolution.” His brow wrinkled in thought. “I guess I did that before New Year's. Well, whatever.” He gave Jared another quick kiss. “I love you, Jared.”

Jared smiled into the kiss. “I love you way more.”

  


  



End file.
